This is what I heard over and over, after 7 months of obsessive exercise and dieting. I had lost 50 pounds. I was the lowest weight I had been in years. I was only 19. And guess what? I really wasn't skinny. I was average. But at least I wasn't "fat!" Right?
I mean, isn't that the worst possible thing a woman can be? You can be stupid, you can have a crooked nose or tons of acne, but you can not be FAT!!!
When I heard all those compliments, I was happy they noticed all my hard work, but mostly, I was irritated. Was I somehow more of a person than I was before? Was I better, funnier, more worth while? Was the universe finally approving of me because I took up less space?
It pissed me off. I think I'm a damn fine person. Fat or not.
I have not always felt this way. Growing up years were tough. I was constantly trying to lose weight. I struggled with serious depression and anxiety. I wanted that perfect body because I desperately wanted someone to love me. I knew that no one would love me if I was fat. No one.
When I was 19 I had a medical problem that was diagnosed. I began obsessively counting calories and exercising. I went to school and worked as a nanny, and hardly ever ate. I told myself the calories weren't worth it. I was becoming anorexic.
I cheered every pound I lost. I thought about food and losing weight all day long. It never left my mind. I was miserable. Because I couldn't have a life. I couldn't afford to let go, eat something I loved, or think about anything that would get me off track of losing weight. I couldn't let myself be fat! No one would ever love me if I did!
One day I was at the gym, had just worked out for hours, and sat down to eat my one of three apples I allowed myself to eat each day. And I mean I only ate three apples a day. I was scarfing it down like a starving person, because I was one. Finally it dawned on me. I had a problem. I wasn't fun anymore. I liked myself even less than I did when I was "fat". I was becoming crazy. I needed to let this obsession go.
So I did. I kept exercising, but only when my pants became too tight. I got rid of my scale. From that point on, I went with how I FELT, not how I looked. I was happier, more fun, and yes, heavier. And I learned to love myself, no matter what size.
What's the point of all this, you may wonder. Well, it is that being skinny isn't the be all end all. It is being YOU. Whether your body is fat or thin, it doesn't matter as long as you LOVE you.
Most people would agree that the following ladies are somewhat unattractive:
But most of us want to look like these ones:
Isn't it the same thing, really? Trying to be someone else? Something else? Instead of just being the best YOU can be?
I don't mean being as skinny as YOU can be. I mean being the BEST you can be. Being as smart, as funny, as kind as you can. Being healthy, happy, and full of life. This is the BEST you can be. The size of your waist is not.
I have ALWAYS hated the following saying:
Most women agree that they want their daughters to have healthy self esteems. Most of these same women are constantly criticizing their bodies, talking about how fat they are for all to hear. And you think your daughter will have a healthy body image listening to that? PLEASE.
This picture is more horrifying than a number of possibilities. I will NEVER let my daughter hear negative things about anyone's body come from my mouth. I have NEVER once talked badly about my body in front of my children, or anyone. My body is my body. It is the way it is. Hers is the way it is. Both are beautiful, wonderful, and made by God. Sometimes my children ask me why I'm fat. You know what? It doesn't bother me at all. I say to them, "I think I look good. This is how my body looks now. Aren't bodies wonderful?" And guess what else? They accept that! And so do I. I also explain to them that talking about other people's bodies is not okay. It is not their business.
Here is my advice to all women. You can be healthy, happy, and worthwhile if you are not skinny. You can be loved, cherished, and comforted if you are not thin. You can have all of these things from YOU. You don't need to be skinny to find the love of your life. YOU are the love of your life.
I finally did get married. I cried many tears over comments on my body by my husband, my parents, my friends, etc. I never did find that love and acceptance from any of those people. I found it in ME.
I have a wonderful painting I keep in a private place. I bought it at a low point in my life. It says, "She discovered she was the hero she was waiting for." YOU are the hero you've been searching for. YOU have the power to lift you up, feel good about yourself, and be everything you ever wanted to be. YOU are your own hero. I love love love that. When I feel ugly because of something that is said to me, I brush it off. I don't give it another thought. Because I am more than the sum of my physical attributes. So are you.
God loves you JUST as you are. If you keep an eternal perspective on this, you'll find that your body is more celestial than you think it is. Your body is magnificent. I hope you'll realize that before you have a horrible disease, illness, or injury force you to. I have had a terrible injury. One that effects my life every step I take. Every moment. It effects my exercise and my overall health. But I am thankful for my body, as imperfect as it is.
Some day, we will look back on our time here on earth, and be saddened when we realize how much time and energy we wasted on hating our body. Time we could have been living, loving, and serving others. There is a reason that those cast out of heaven are desperate for a body, any body. We have something so wonderful and God-like at our beck and call. Do we treat it with the respect it deserves?
My greatest wish for each woman is for them to start worrying less on how they look, and start worrying more about loving themselves. And I hope that each one of you will look at your reflection with the love it deserves.
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