Friday, September 18, 2015

Balancing Money and Motherhood.... (Spoiler alert: it isn't fun).

No, this is not your average blog post about motherhood being the most important thing like, ever; or touting staying at home.  I won't lecture one way or the other.  I often wonder why anyone does.  Anything that purports to tell a woman what to do in her own life is hurting, not helping the women's movement. 

When did a woman's right to choose suddenly only refer to abortion and birth control?  When I think of a woman's right to choose, I think about how hard it is to balance money and motherhood; and about how difficult it can be to figure out your path in life.  That is where I am now. 





Growing up I told myself I wanted a career.  It usually involved the idea of writing, or something in the social services.  I got my college degrees, with that end game in mind.  After I was married, I was diagnosed with a mental illness which created a lot of havoc with my ability to function daily.  Once I began to understand and get the illness under control, I got pregnant and had my son.  As it turns out, as much as I love him, his struggles with Autism and ADHD were yet another hurdle in my desire to both parent and work outside the home.  

Truth be told, I'm perfectly happy with staying at home. I'm there to answer the many calls from the school.  (Yes, it happens more often than I'd like). I'm alright with the hundreds of jobs that are involved with keeping the house clean.  I can mow the lawn, pay the bills, and cook with the best of them.  What I'm not okay with is the judgment and attitude other men and women occasionally give me.  



I hate it when people judge an individual's decision to work or not work outside of the home.  I hate the smug stay at home moms who talk crap about other women who choose to work outside of the home.  Part-time parenting?  Please, many of your kids are in school all day anyway.  And I equally hate when women who work outside of the home downplay the time and effort those at home put into doing their jobs well.  




Why can't we spend more time lifting one another up instead of tearing them down?  I've got an AMAZING friend who works full time.  I admire her so much.  She works long hours doing hard work, then comes home to do everything else.  Yes, her kids go to school and are picked up by a babysitter.  But she does the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning.  She helps her kids with their homework and tucks them in at night.  How is she a part-time parent?  She is providing for her family and for her own goals. She is constantly fighting the "woman in the workplace" stereotype, and attempting that perilous dance to balance money and motherhood. There is NOTHING to tear down there.  She is AMAZING.

 



I know another wonderful woman who is a stay at home mom.  She spends ALL day cooking, cleaning, doing home projects, volunteering at the school, volunteering at her church, and taking care of EVERY little detail that needs to be done.  She does this because it makes her happy.  It makes her husband happy, and it makes her kids happy.  Her efforts shouldn't be put down because she isn't a "career woman."  She doesn't choose to do this because she isn't smart enough to do something else.  She is a HIGHLY educated woman.  Her choice is valid, wonderful, and once again, NOTHING to tear down.  





I know what you are thinking.  You want to know why the men don't step up and either help the working mother with at least 50% of the at home work, or give the stay at home mom more gratitude.  

I could go into this, but lets just say; they need a serious kick in the ass.  I'll leave it at that.  

There are many women who can't chose.  They are forced to work because of the financial strains.  There are women who would like to work but find that it would earn them so little due to child care costs, that it doesn't make financial sense.  And there are women like me, who want to work, but are still figuring out the best way to go about it.




I love that my husband works hard.  I don't love that he thinks I don't.  This is something we are working on.  I'd imagine many of you other women, stay at home or not, struggle with this too.  

Ladies, lets be kind to one another.  Motherhood is wonderful.  It is difficult.  It is a balancing act.  We have enough on our plates without judging one another on their life decisions.  Lets move this Women's Movement one step up.  Because if we don't have each others backs, no one will.  








Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Many Ways I am Failing My Children

I'm just going to start off by saying I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy children.  The two of them have already taught me more than I could ever teach them, so I'm already in debt.  Even with that knowledge, I'm still failing them. 

Sure, it could be worse.  I could abuse my children, or not love them.  Heck, I'm going to knock on wood, because these days just about anything counts as child abuse.  I'm guilty of spanking, its rare, but sure, add it to my list. 

As Mormon moms, we get a whole lot more to fail at in the parenting department.  If we don't have our children at church every Sunday (I don't), if we don't spend time planning and executing Family Home Evening (I don't), and if we don't fulfill our own church callings (this is iffy), we are failing our children. 

Truth be told, I am currently in a bit of a crisis.  It started right about the time I hit 30.  Not sure what led to the snapping of my carefully molded self, but it snapped.  I stopped attending church.  I pierced my nose, and I started questioning EVERYTHING.  That isn't to say that I disagreed with everything, just that I questioned it. 

I began to allow myself to just not care as intensely as I used to.  I stopped caring about what people in my church thought about me.  I stopped forcing my kids to go to church, even though I've been lectured many times on how "the sin will be upon the head of the parents".  It isn't that I don't want to be a good mom.  Its just that my version of a good mom may not be the same as yours. 






I don't take my kids to scouts, swim lessons, or sports.  Instead, I do those things with them.  Don't get me wrong, I only do them if I'm feeling it, which I'm often not.  But we do spend A LOT of time together.  I teach them things I've learned in life, and my husband pitches in with his knowledge.  We may not be professionals, but we ARE parents. 

I am not the best example of a perfect Mormon mom.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I want my kids to learn important life lessons.  I want them to learn about God, charity, and love.  I want them to see that even though they have a mom who drops several swear words, pierced her nose, and got a tattoo (as an OLD lady!) they have a mom who drops everything to help them, loves them with abandon, and tries desperately to teach them the BIGGER lessons in life. 



There are so many ways to fail your kids.  I'm pretty sure I do most of them.  I don't do their science fair projects.  I don't sing hymns with them and tell them Bible stories.  (Unless there is a particularly violent one I know they'd enjoy.)  I want to have a career, money to spend, and a better body.  I'm more vain than I should be, and less healthy than I ought to be.  I've got plenty of desire to break Mormon rules, and not much desire to be more devout. 


So I'm confused. 
If I want a body I can legitimately feel good about, or hell, to just feel hot, am I vain? 
If I want a career, for the self-esteem and also the money, am I selfish?
If I feel okay about getting a tattoo, or piercing, am I rebelling against God?
If I don't go to church often, and don't bring my children when I do go, is my spirituality weak?

I ask myself these questions and more on a daily basis.  I search myself to see if I am failing my children in a way that will haunt them for all eternity.  I don't just give myself a pass.  When I feel a stirring to improve, I do my best to improve.  Honestly, I fail at improving just as much as I fail at everything else.  But I put forth the effort.  I get a B- for effort.  So hey, better than average!