Abuse and the Mormon Woman: The Bigger Fool Am I

Every night I go to sleep next to a man I loathe. I try not to hate him, I really do.  Most of the time I can convince myself he is a good person; he has potential, and that the abuse will stop.  And then it happens again. 

I wasn't always this weak.  I worked as a victim advocate for a police department.  I told woman after woman that there is no excuse for abuse.  LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!  I took the training, looked at the horrible things that happened to other women, and vowed I would NEVER let that happen to me.

It sneaks up on you.  It doesn't present itself on the first date, even the first 15.  Often abuse comes out of nowhere, but if you look back, you see that perhaps your besotted self missed something obvious to other people.  But it can trick them too.  They can look at your abuser and see a great person, friendly, charming, and wonderful.  But they can't see.  And most of us won't ever let them.

Mormon women are an anomaly in a lot of ways.  We are faithful to a fault.  We are told to not air our dirty laundry, to work harder in our marriage, and that if we pray enough, attend the temple enough, or meet with our church leaders enough, we can save our marriage.  While is isn't always implied that we are at fault, we are often looked at in a negative light if we are the ones to file for divorce and to "abandon" our families.

Many of us will go to bed each night and put on a happy face for the kids.  We will have been shoved into a wall one minute, sworn at the next, then have to suck it up and put our kids to bed.  We hope they don't see what is happening, but when we are honest, we know they do.  And our hearts are broken.

But what can we do?  Many of us choose to stay at home with our children.  We want to be there with them to help them through this difficult life.  We want to spend as much time with them as we can.  But this decision feels dangerous once you are at the mercy of your husband for money, affection, and a home.  Without him, you have nothing. No resources, no prospects, no hope.  How can you raise children while living in your car, with no money for gas, no computer to find a job, and no food?  So you stay.  And you die.  Every day you die.  But you hold it together like a good Mormon Woman should.

"Marriage is ordained of God, and we must do everything we can to strengthen the ties that bind, to strengthen our homes, and to prepare ourselves by exemplary living to teach our children the ways of God, which is the only way for them to find happiness here and eternal life hereafter.

As we enumerate the many important responsibilities a woman has in connection with her duties as a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a sister, a sweetheart, or a good neighbor, it should be evident that these challenging responsibilities can satisfy her need to express her talents, her interests, her creativity, dedication, energy, and skill which so many seek to satisfy outside the home. It is impossible to estimate the lasting influence for good a woman can have in any of these roles. Let me remind us all of her primary responsibilities."

N. Eldon Tanner

Easy, right?

I am not a perfect Mormon woman.  I sure try though.  I try to go to church, follow the prophet, and help others in need.  I try to love my husband.  God knows I try.  It is hard.  I feel alone, and often miserably unhappy.  But I keep plugging along.  I know that Jesus was long-suffering, patient, and kind.  This is how we are supposed to be in our marriages.  We put up with the junk in this life for a bigger reward in the life to come.  Isn't that what we are aiming for?  Isn't that worth putting up with the abuse?  Or are we just allowing ourselves to be treated this way because we think it is penance for past sins?

For me, it is all of the above.

I wasn't the perfect girl before I was married.  I made serious errors in judgement.  Sometimes I think that those errors cursed my marriage, and therefore I can not be happy because I made those decisions.  Even though I met with my Bishop, repented, and moved on, I still can't fully believe my marriage isn't cursed.  Perhaps all this is my doing, and I just need to tough it out. I can't be a good Mormon and actively seek a divorce from my husband, can I?  I'm am desperately trying to follow the wise cousin of my beloved Gordon B. Hinckley. 

"If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness."  
President Gordon B. Hinckley

I try so desperately to ensure the comfort and happiness of my husband.  I am never violent of him.  I compliment him, write him love notes (even when I'm not sure I feel it), make his meals and keep his home and children taken care of.  No matter how many hints I drop, pleads for change, or tears I cry, it is only myself that is trying to save this marriage.  Even though I desperately hate it.  And what am I to do with the counsel from Elder Richard G. Scott?

"Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive. No one can take away your ultimate opportunities when you understand and live eternal law. The laws of your Heavenly Father and the atonement of the Lord have made it possible that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the children of God."

How do I respond to that?  I have no resources.  How can I make a change for good?  Or are my eternal possibilities based on how I tough this out?  Do I leave him, or do I keep this "Eternal Family" whole?  Because he is breaking covenants, is this marriage even valid?  Is there any point in staying?   I feel lost for revelation.  Are my prayers not being answered because I am meant to stay with him?  Or is it because I need to make a decision first?  Do I just need to "decide to be happy?"  Is that even possible?

Perhaps you have advice for me.  Perhaps it is like the advice I used to offer those other women.  And perhaps I should take it.  But for now, I will lie in bed and suck it up.  Because that is what I was taught to do.  And if nothing else, I was taught to be a good Mormon Woman.  Therefore, the bigger fool am I. 

*THE AUTHOR HAS ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.