Friday, November 20, 2015

To Those Who Question

I had the opportunity this week to do an interview with John Dehlin and Mormon Stories.  I've had some time to ponder what has happened since, and I wanted to voice a few thoughts I've had. 

First of all:

THANK YOU! 

Thank you to all of those who reached out.  I am so sincerely touched by the wonderful people who have said a kind word.  It is always astounding to me how much a kind word can brighten a life.  I've felt my life brighten immensely. 

I've also felt a few stings and wounds.  I'd like to address those who are upset, hurt, or distrustful.  Here are a few points I'd like to highlight.

1.  I understand how someone could think I was taking advantage of my Grandfather's calling in the church.  This is not so.  My entire life has been entangled with his calling.  I just wanted to share my story.  I hope that you can come to see that my intentions were not to spill dirty secrets about the church and its leaders.  Not only do I not know any dirty secrets, I never would want to hurt another person.  Ever.

2.  I've been accused of being classless for "airing dirty laundry".  This in particular stung.  It has been spoken of many times in my life.  Always a HUGE no-no.  Do not share things that are unpleasant.  This is disloyal and inappropriate.  Do not air your dirty laundry for all to know.  It is not anyone's business.  So yes, I can  understand why people would think this.  My family is incredibly upset with me for this reason.  But I seek healing; not just for myself but for others who may hear my story, both in and out of the church.  Silence is deadly in so many cases.  Listening to someone say, "I've been there too" can sometimes be a powerful tool in finding your inner peace.  This was my only intent.  Not to hurt, but to heal.  I believe that somewhere down the line this will help my family too.  I want them to feel like they can be more open about their feelings, shortcomings, and hopes for the future.  I love them.  I wish them the very best life can offer. 

3.  It was hard to hear hurtful comments about being a mentally ill adulteress.  Yes, all of that is true.  But I've said it before and will say it again; I am more than the sum of my parts.  Everyone who has ever made a mistake, and everyone who lives with an illness of any kind, knows that they are not the mistake; not the illness.  It is a part of us, but does not act for us.  It is woven within our life; it is not our life.   There is no pride in my sin; but no shame in my illness.  These extremely personal problems were shared as an attempt to show everyone it is okay to make mistakes or to acknowledge illness.  We just need to learn how to cope in a way that is uplifting to others and ourselves. 

4. Perhaps the most difficult criticism to hear was that I am insincere.  When I hear something unpleasant about myself, I look deep down and see if there is any truth.  This time, there is none.  Everything I said was 100% honest.  My hopes and dreams aren't all that complicated.  I just want happiness for myself and others.  I hope to help people throughout this journey we call life.  Because I know people have helped me.

In closing, I want to say thank you again.  Being thrust into a spotlight was not easy for me.  I've never liked being the center of attention.  But I've been so grateful for the kind words that have eased the pain of the hurtful ones.  I'm still figuring out life.  Thank you for accepting me as I am.

Love,
Laura Roper Andreasen


Saturday, November 14, 2015

Similarities between Rape and Mormon Culture








I recognize that this article will upset people.  While it does concern me that reading this might provoke feelings in others that are uncomfortable, I hope it will spark conversation and dialog about the real problems in similarity between Mormon Culture and rape.  Yes, it is scary.  But, to steal a much beloved Mormon saying, "You can do hard things!"

If you immediately want to tell me I have no right to compare rape and Mormon culture because I don't know rape, you are wrong.  I do.  First hand.  Those gory details are not for this article; but are part of my life story; part of my "rough stone rolling". 

Recently I started speaking out in church.  It has felt wonderful, and terrible all at once.  I've questioned the ideas of what I've termed "Mormon Thinking", and laughed at a lot of our cultural superstitions.  I've also spoken out about how I dislike our disgust of people's pain and suffering.  The stories that make people human are also the most uncomfortable to hear.  This makes them the most important for us to hear. 






My predisposition to anxiety and depression was made worse by being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My constant worry about being better, doing better, and vanquishing the "natural man" inside of me led to anguish.  When I attempted to voice these feelings of genuine pain, they were squashed.  On the spot.  Obviously, I wasn't praying/reading the scriptures/fasting etc. enough.  It was my lack of spirituality that caused the pain, not the actions of others.  Not the culture of silence.

Being abused or raped is wrapped in silence.  You are often told no one will believe you, so what is the point of saying anything at all?  You often BELIEVE no one will believe you.  You know it is not safe to speak out.  You will lose everything.  You could lose your job, your home, your social circle, your friends, your family, your spouse.  People will think less of or differently about you. 

Now take out "rape" in the above paragraph and insert "questioning the church". 

Being a questioner in the church is wrapped in silence.  You are often told no one will believe you, so what is the point of saying anything at all?  You often BELIEVE no one will believe you.  You know it is not safe to speak out.  You will lose everything.  You could lose your job, your home, your social circle, your friends, your family, your spouse.  People will think less of or differently about you.

Does this hit home? 

It did for me. 

When I went through a disciplinary counsel, I was told to erase all social media posts I may have written about my "sin" and the process of my church discipline.  This bothered me.  How does healing happen in silence?  Isn't the point of therapy to speak through our sorrows in order to understand a higher truth?  To get deeper, closer, and more precise on the path to finding peace?  Why was I being told (not asked) to be quiet?  Was the Church afraid of something? 

I brushed it off.  I've been a church apologist for years.  I served a mission and had a lot of practice brushing off unpleasant ideas with the sweep of "lack of understanding of a higher doctrine."  It bothered me, though I was more inclined to believe that my feelings of uncertainty were in regards to my lack of faith.  Blaming the victim perhaps?

Rape blames the victim.  You were dressed inappropriately.  You were leading him/her on.  You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  You shouldn't have done this, or that, or been here, or there. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often employs this same thinking pattern.  Do not get me wrong.  I do not believe most members do it on purpose.  I believe it is just so deeply ingrained into each of us that we cannot see it until it is pointed out to us. 

An example:  A friend of mine left the church.  She then was severely abused by her active Mormon husband.  I heard whispers of, "It must be hard for him to live with an apostate."  "She just lost the spirit."  You'd better believe I listened hard for those "What a horrible thing.  He should be in jail" whispers.  Those didn't happen. 

Another example:  A young LDS girl was pressured into having sex with her active LDS boyfriend.  I heard lots of "She's always been an immodest dresser" and "Boys will be boys."  Yes, in the church, boys will be boys and girls will be ostracized. 


Speak out about things you do not like?  You are immediately labeled, just as many rape victims are.  "Apostate" gets tossed out there a lot.  As my previous article mentioned, people can get scriptural in their labels:  "Tares", "Korihor", and "doubting Thomas" are just a few.  You are told you are murmuring, fighting against God, and that you lack understanding.  Just as rape is condescending, so too can the people labeling you be. 

Rape is about Control. 

I worked as a Victim Advocate for a Police Department.  It was often drilled into us that rape was about control, not about sex.  We were taught that abusers thrive on bullying others into doing their will.  The sense of power is so rewarding they cannot let it go, and will do anything to continue to feel it. 

WARNING:  Many of you will not like this.  

I believe the LDS church thrives because of control. 

As always, I do not believe 98% of the members feel this way, or make the connection.  Up until I sent in my resignation letter, I did not either. 

Do you want to be with your family forever?  Give us money, time, and energy.  Do you want to reach the highest level of Heaven?  Do not laugh loudly, speak badly of the Lord's anointed, or follow others who do.  Do you want happiness?  Do not shop on Sunday, eat certain foods, or watch certain movies.  You find great freedom in obedience to God.  And them's the rules kids. 


I have been afraid my entire life of saying no.  I've been afraid to say no.  If I say I can't physically or emotionally handle a calling, I'm losing blessings.  If I ask a question, I'm afraid I'll be accused of apostasy.  If I listen to someone's story and feel sympathetic to it, I'm letting Satan in to my heart and mind. 

These are scary things.  These are things I spent years hiding from.  As a child, I was always worried I was letting Satan in.  Satan!  The Devil!  That is TERRIFYING to a child.  I was being terrified because I was afraid to say no to a calling?  I was being scared into submission because I wasn't comfortable opening up with other church members about my doubts?  This is control.  The sneakiest, most subtle form.

I'm not asking anyone to do anything.  Just consider this.  Consider this as you sit and listen to the lessons on Sunday.  Ask yourself if you feel comfortable questioning, or if you fear it.  Allow yourself a moment to examine your feelings about the Church.  If it makes you utterly happy, then be in it!  If it brings you pain, suffering and anxiety, examine why, and act according to the dictates of your own conscience. 

You are smart, wonderful, and worthy, JUST AS YOU ARE.  You can be happy.  And you can be as LOUD as you need to be.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Coming Out: Me



I sincerely believe we all have a Coming Out.

A time when we tell those we love the most; those who have the ability to hurt us the most, that we are SOMETHING other than they want/believe/hope us to be.

I've been trying to tell those I love for years that I am not what they want me to be.

I've watched as they laughed it off as "Laura just being Laura."

I've cried as they labled me a "rebel" an "apostate" or as "confused".

Each time, I was, in my own small way, speaking my truth.

Begging for love.

Pleading, "Can you just love me for who I am?  Flaws and all?

So here I am, coming out with an attempt to be clear on a topic that isn't at all clear.  ME.


I'm coming out as someone who is open minded.

I accept that I don't know all the answers.  I realize that I may be wrong on SO MANY THINGS!  I leave a spot of my life open for change, for understanding, and for acceptance.  I will listen to all sides, and err on the side of kindness.  Believe in me.  As I am. 

I'm coming out as a questioning Mormon.

I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I've been a member all my life.  But I also question it.  I question the amount of love and acceptance in it.  I question some of the regulations.  And I admit that being a member of this church as been both a wonderful blessing and a cause of much self harm.  Being a member has not always been beautiful.  It has been painful.  It has caused me to feel horrible about myself on occasion.  It has led me to be confused on the true nature of God, when I thought it was supposed to teach me about God's Love.  So yes, I question it.  I don't agree immediately to all things "Mormon".  I take my time.  I have my feelings.  I research it out in my mind and in my heart, and I act accordingly.  And I have hope that some day, I will completely understand it.  Trust in me: As is.

I'm coming out as someone who has tattoos and piercings.  

It makes me laugh that out of all of the things I've done to disappoint people, this is so high on the list.  I'm sorry if these actions are hurtful to others.  I'm tired of being told how I should look.  I have never understood how people body shamed me so often under the guise of "caring".  If you care, let me be the big girl I am.  Let me make my own well-thought out decisions.  I'm not getting tattoos of things that don't mean anything to me.  They are important to me.  That is all that should matter to you.  Me: as I am.

I'm coming out as someone who is okay with being imperfect.

This has taken me a long time.  For years and years I fought this.  I wanted to be perfect.  I suppose I still do.  But I'm okay with NOT being perfect, and I'm okay with taking my time to do so.  I'm not saying that I am giving up on improvement.  I'm saying that I'm going to be kinder with myself in the process.  I'm not going to drag myself down anymore.  I'm going to build myself up.  I cannot believe it has taken me so long to realize I have to be my own ADVOCATE.  So that is what I'm going to be.  Accept me: as I am.

I'm coming out as someone who rejects the labels you put upon me.

I suppose my family knows this better than anyone.  I HATE HATE HATE when people classify me.  I cannot stand when people call me a rebel, an apostate, flighty, liberal, crazy, etc.  I was CONSTANTLY told these things by people.  Most of them were forced upon me by educators and people in the church.  This was and is incredibly painful.  Being told you are a pain in the ass because you are struggling to understand, or being told you have an attitude problem for asking a simple question, is wrong.  It is WRONG.  I refuse to do that to my children.  I don't know why anyone would do that to another HUMAN being.  My son and I are both on the Autism Spectrum.  I refuse to define either of us by that.  While I will tell people we are on the spectrum in order to foster better understanding, I also tell my son he cannot use that as an excuse.  We don't want to be labeled disabled for being differently-abled.  We just want to be loved: as is.

I'm coming out as someone who suffers from and takes medication for anxiety and depression.

On this, I have relatively little to say.  Every action I do is NOT caused by anxiety or depression.  Some are affected by it, but if you write off my feelings as part of my mental illness, you are losing a lot in translation.  I am MORE than the sum of my parts.  If you do not know what it is like to suffer, you do not know Christ.  Please do not tell me how to better manage my anxiety or depression.  It has been my co-pilot for years.  We know how to work together.  Just love us.  As is.

I'm coming out as ME.

I am Laura Roper Andreasen.  I have made mistakes.  I have loved deeply, been hurt deeply, and cried mightily.  I have watched my testimony grow through the mistakes I have made, and through suffering.  I have watched myself fall from great spiritual heights to the bottom of the pit.  I have fought with those I love; sometimes due to not having a control on my anxiety, and sometimes because I was just being a douche.  I say things like "douche" and don't really feel bad about it.  I sometimes make jokes that other people don't appreciate.  I still think I'm funny.  I LOVE my children more than life itself.  I would kill for them.  I am the BEST mother they could have, because I am THEIR mother.  They love me.  JUST AS I AM.  They are the only ones I have felt accept me totally, completely, and irrevocably.  For that, they have my undying loyalty, my oath to do everything I can for them, and my absolute devotion.



I hope that this helps some of you who are trying to get a read on me.  I often feel like people don't ever seek out the real me.  They want an easy to categorize version of a complex person.  I can only be what I am.  But trust me when I say, that is enough.  I am enough.  As is. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

3 Myths about the "Tares"




Recently I had to laugh about being referred to as a "tare".  Not sure what that is referring to? 

Matthew 13:24----  Look it up.  But in case you don't want to, it is a parable Jesus told about a farmer who found out an enemy had sown tares (or weeds) along next to his wheat.  He goes to to parallel the wheat and the tares to people or to the righteous and unrighteous things of the world, and how the farmer and his laborers need to separate it for the good of the wheat. 

Yes, this is total layman's terms here.  Being called a tare was amusing, but also disconcerning.  Why on earth would someone think they had the right to classify another individual? 

I read blog after blog after blog about how people are overreacting, how those who are opposed are unfaithful, or wavering.  One in particular was rather insulting.  It listed several "Myths about the Handbook Change."  It was derogatory and simplifying of the people who are upset by the change.  So here is a short but sweet (or not so sweet) rebuttal.  I'm too tired to go into every little sticking point, so I just chose four of the biggest ones.  Take it or leave it.  You may be sick of the drama. 

Myth #1

People who disagree with the changes in the Handbook are less faithful than those who follow without question.

Ummmm.....  Oh this one drives me nuts.  I've heard it over and over and over.  It is so sickeningly rude I can't stop shaking my head.  Let me just say, No.  No.  No.  How is it unfaithful to have serious doubts about things?  How is it unfaithful to want to know why?  Yes, we understand that God works in mysterious ways.  But that doesn't negate the hurt people feel, nor the problems we may have with our conscience for blindly agreeing to go along with it.  We are people of faith.  No one should ever feel they can determine someone's faith by their doubts.  No one should tell us to leave if we don't like it.  No one should compare us to weeds.  A lesson in compassion may be in order here. 

Myth #2

The changes to the handbook do not require children to reject their parents. 

Right, because you don't need to physically say, "I reject you" to disavow and renounce the sins of your parents... who you love... So sure, you don't have to say you reject them, but what are you feeling?  What are they feeling?  You are feeling like you are rejecting them.  They are feeling rejected.  I don't understand why people seem to completely disregard the feelings of those who will be in this situation.  We are not protecting any family by forcing them to call their parents sinners.  Love the sinner, hate the sin, but tell the sinner you disagree and renounce his or her decisions.  Yep, pretty clear.  Not.

Myth #3

It doesn't hurt you personally.

I have to share this quote from the post I recently read about what he thinks regarding this. 

"If someone talks about how this hurts them, they may sincerely think that, but it is also political theater, a learned response from mimicking the rhetorical style of those who’ve had so much political success on this issue.
Now let’s be clear, many people are feeling pain because of this decision, especially those whom the policy directly affects or who have family members this affects. The myth is that our personal emotional response should change Church policy.
Sharing feelings on this issue as though they affect the rightness or wrongness of the policy is a logical fallacy. This comes under the category of argumentum ad passiones. While you may feel whatever you want about this policy change, your feelings do not affect whether or not this change was correct. When people talk about their pain as a way of ending a conversation it is little more than emotional manipulation."  Christopher D. Cunningham

I guess I didn't realize all of us who profess to have feelings on the matter are just trying to manipulate others.  How fiendishly tricky of us!  Who knew we had it in us?  Apparently Mr. Cunningham did.  And once again, No.  Just No.

Myth #4

It is simple.  It is black and white.  Either you believe the church is true or you don't.

One thing I have learned in my years is that NOTHING is ever "simple".  NOTHING is ever black and white.  There are a million shades in between those polar opposites.  A million circumstances that create complex and confusing situations.  A million reasons to look at an issue from a million different angles. 

There is no harm in trying to understand something now, rather than waiting for more guidance in the future.  You may choose to accept changes, but you still want answers.  You still want to learn more. 

Admittedly at one point in my life (before I experienced real pain and real LIFE) I struggled with this.  I was always taught that things were right or wrong.  No in-between.  I struggled with this until I learned that while I DO believe in right and wrong, (though Christopher Cunningham would disagree, telling me I don't) I think there are so many reasons, feelings, and thoughts that go behind every action it would be foolish to paint everyone and everything with the same color.  The same is true here.  We can't claim that because we know ONE gay person who is okay with this that ALL gay people are.  It is dangerous to categorize everyone together.  These people understand that their children are all different, so how is it that ALL gay people are the same? 

There is always so much more to say at a moment like this.  I, for one, am burned out.  By nature I am not an argumentative person.  I'm an empathetic person.  (Just look at my tattoos for proof).  I dislike contention and bickering.  I'm almost always the person to say, "Let's agree to disagree."  But it is nice to find a voice, however small and insignificant to the world.  So hear is my voice saying, "Love One Another."