The Unspoken "Mormon Code"

I have always been taught not to share "past transgressions".  In the mission field, there was a saying, "No PTs."  I always hated that saying, and hated the concept even more.

Recently, after deciding I was going to share a very personal and painful experience, I decided to see if there was any doctrine behind this well accepted aspect of "Mormon culture".

There isn't. 

What is it about our culture that convinces us to sweep our pain under the rug?  I believe we have a culture of shame.  I hope to try and stop this; even if it is in just one person.  Me.

Several Sundays ago, a wonderful recent convert began to ask an innocent question in our Gospel Principles class.  Our discussion was on repentance.  She began to talk earnestly about a few things she had done, wondering if she had really been washed clean in baptism.  Before she could get more than a few words of her past sins out, she was interrupted by another woman in the class, telling her she shouldn't tell us what she had done.  I was hurt for this convert.  I believe she was hurt too.  And confused.  What had she done wrong?  Had she broken some unspoken "Mormon Code" that states, "Thou Shalt Not Ever Admit To Having Sinned"?  

I suppose there are several schools of thought on this issue.  I believe many members believe that if your sins have been washed away, there is no reason to speak of them.  Perhaps they also, unconsciously or not, believe that to speak of your past sins is to cheapen the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Or maybe they believe that it is no one's business.  There have been talks on "airing our dirty laundry".  Whatever the reasons, I wholeheartedly disagree.  In fact, I'm sick and tired of this attitude.

I'm not saying I want to have a testimony meeting that is all "I did this, and I did that."  I AM saying, however, that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with bearing a testimony of the Atonement of Christ, and the spiritual lessons you've learned through your struggles.  If you question if you should share a story, just inquire of yourself your motivation.  Is it to uplift and edify?  If so, share away!

Quite frankly, if you want to tell the world you murdered someone, you should be able to.  Part of our Church's PR troubles consist of people feeling that they are being silenced, unallowed to share feelings that others may not like.  Being a part of a religion like this makes us struggle more than we need to.  We feel we can never measure up to our standard of perfection.  How did we get this way?

Our church was not always this way.  Open the scriptures to any beautiful story of redemption, and you will read of prophets and apostles tell of the great sins they committed, and the way back to Christ.  I believe these stories are in our scriptures for a reason.  They are meant to show us that no matter the sin, no matter the pain and trial, there is a way back.  It has been done before!  They may not spell every detail out, but they don't need to.  They show us that yes, they sinned in very real, very human ways. If I may be so bold, I personally feel that by sweeping our repentance under the rug, we are cheapening the Atonement.  The greatest growth we experience in life is the growth of overcoming sin through our Savior. 

I am in no way suggesting that people share aspects of their past that they do not wish to share.  I am merely saying that I am blessed by those who are strong enough to share their trials with me, without shame.

I feel sad for our Church.  I want us to be able to help lift each other, and truly carrying each others burdens; as we promised to do at baptism.  How can we do this when there is so much shame in admitting our sins?  There is HEALTHY guilt, the stirrings of the light of Christ that tell us we need to change, and there is UNHEALTHY shame.  This shame tells us we are worthless, and unworthy of happiness.  I'm done with shame.  The Church should be too.  

I believe we are on the cusp of something exciting in the Church.  I have felt a shift in the paradigm of the members.  I feel we are leaving this harmful culture (one that is NOT spoken of in the gospel of Christ) and creating one that is more open, more loving, and something to be proud of.  We forgive more easily, but do not forget our redemption; nor our Redeemer.  I believe our Heavenly Father smiles down on us when we are willing to love unconditionally.  This is my hope for the future of the Church.

• Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow:Isa. 1:16–18;
• This is my blood, which is shed for many for the remission of sins:Matt. 26:28; ( Heb. 9:22–28; D&C 27:2; )
• Repent, and be baptized for the remission of sins:Acts 2:38; ( Luke 3:3; D&C 107:20; )
• Those who believe in Jesus shall receive remission of sins:Acts 10:43; ( Mosiah 3:13; )
• Christ is the source to whom they may look for a remission of sins:2 Ne. 25:26;
• To retain a remission of our sins, we must care for the poor and needy:Mosiah 4:11–12, 26;
• Whosoever repenteth shall have claim on mercy, unto a remission of his sins:Alma 12:34;
• Fulfilling the commandments bringeth remission of sins:Moro. 8:25;
• The Aaronic Priesthood holds the keys of baptism by immersion for the remission of sins:D&C 13:1; ( D&C 84:64, 74; A of F 1:4; )
• I, the Lord, remember their sins no more:D&C 58:42–43; ( Ezek. 18:21–22; )
• These were taught vicarious baptism for the remission of sins:D&C 138:33;

 

He Carefully Leads Them

Is there something, some sin, that you would NEVER EVER do?  Do you find the idea of some action so repulsive, so unbelievable, that you just KNOW you wouldn't do? 

I do too.

But I did it.

If I had to make a list of the sins in order of ones I'd be likely to commit, the one I am guilty of would be last.  I could see myself committing murder before this one.  What is it?  ADULTERY.   Perhaps one of the cruelest of all the "Thou Shalt Nots". 

And yet.......

I have been absolutely and irrevocably humbled by this experience.  Not only was I attended to by warning angels, but also by legions of Satan's followers.  And I continue to be. 

Here is how it happened.

"So what does your church believe?  Do the Polygamists sit on one side of the church and the non-polygamists on the other?"

This was the innocent question asked by the dad of one of my son's friends (we'll call him Joe*)  as we sat at the pool one summer day.  Even though the question made me smile, I was DELIGHTED that I had an opportunity to talk "gospel" to this man.  I had been praying for opportunities to make a difference in the world; this must be an answer to my prayers!

I spent nearly two hours that afternoon essentially giving the missionary discussions to this man.  I hadn't had such strong missionary feelings since my mission.  Yep, I am a returned missionary.  One that was married in the temple, and one that made covenants with God that I took seriously.

That night as I knelt and prayed, I thanked my Heavenly Father for the opportunity given me to share what I knew to be true.  I was filled with the spirit.  I had a VERY strong impression to send the missionaries to their home.  Joe had mentioned he was interested in religion and always enjoyed learning more.

The next afternoon I ran into the Elders at a local store.  It was fate!  I eagerly told them about this family.  How I had talked to both the Mom and Dad for a few hours about the church.  They had three beautiful kids and were interested in religion.  I gave them their address.

On Sunday, the Elders told me they were turned away with a rude, "What makes you think I would let you in my house?"

I was devastated.  Was my inspiration not inspiration after all?  Had I done something wrong?  I apologized to the missionaries and decided to just be friendly and open with these neighbors of mine. 

Soon I began receiving texts from Joe.  Innocent and friendly, asking if my kids and I would like to come to the pool, or who my son got for his teacher that fall.  I responded, innocent and friendly, always the missionary and kind neighbor.  I would eventually show him how great our church was.

After a couple months, I noticed those texts becoming more uncomfortable to me.  Was I being paranoid, or was he flirting?  I was, after all, a somewhat naive Mormon gal who only had one relationship, and I turned that relationship into a marriage.  So I wasn't sure if I was merely taking a normal conversation and making it into something sinister.

Somewhere along the way, my prayers started slipping.  My daily studies and efforts began to be weekly, then monthly.  Then never.  And he carefully led me down.

I flirted back.  I chose not to think of his family, or mine.  It felt great to ignore my seemingly terrible marriage and concentrate only on the never ending flattery that came from this "other man".  I began to think that I deserved to be "happy".  I'd been miserable for so long in my marriage and it was high time I had a little fun.

I will, however, never forget the first time I allowed Joe into my home.  There was almost a buzz in the air before he arrived, which lingered the entire time he was there.  It was not a buzz of excitement, but one of warning.  I felt both then and now it was the spirit and my angels begging and pleading with me to not make that choice.

I did not sleep with him then.  But I did only a few days later.

I continued this affair for several months.  It was degrading.  It was obvious he didn't care about ME, but only my BODY.  There was no pretended affection for me, though I was developing quite a bit for him.  I wanted to leave my marriage, knowing that Joe would never want a real relationship with me.  I told myself what we had was enough for me.

And he carefully led me down.

I stopped attending church all together.  Eventually I told the bishop I wanted to be excommunicated.  I told my husband I thought we should divorce, and I told him I cheated on him.  He agreed.  I began to lose patience with my children.  I didn't want to spend time with them.  Only with Joe.  I spent hours texting him inappropriate comments and pictures.   I lost a lot of the qualities I admired in myself.  And I didn't care.

My bishop was of course concerned about my sudden desire to leave the church.  Why would a strong, life long member suddenly want out?  I met with him, and told him of my affair.  I handed him my temple recommend, and told him I didn't want to meet with the disciplinary council.  "Just excommunicate me,"  I said.  My heart was hard.

Something happened that changed my mind.  I can't say that I know for sure what it was.  I only know that finally, my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ could not be denied any longer.  And I began to make my way back.  During this time I had several sacred experiences to help build my flailing testimony.  Those were faith building and testimony affirming.  And they are available to all. 

I attempted to end things with Joe.  I met with the bishop.  I met with a disciplinary counsel.  I felt humiliated, alone, and spiritually dead.  I wondered why I bothered.  I still received numerous sexual invitations from Joe.  And though I knew that ending things and repenting was the RIGHT thing to do, it was not, and is not,  the EASY thing to do. 

I wish I could say that I am back in full fellowship in the church.  I am not.  I wish I could say that having an affair is no longer a temptation for me.  I can not.

Here is what I can say:

I am a child of God.  He loves me.  He loves you.  He, along with Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, understand us better than we understand ourselves.  He sees our efforts to be better.  He mourns when we mourn, and provides us a glimmer of hope when we need it.  I love Him.  Though I willingly chose to forsake Him, He would NEVER do that to me. 

Satan also knows us better than we know ourselves.  He hates us.  He wants to bring us down to join with him in his misery.  He will bide his time, weave his web, and capture us.  When we say, "I would NEVER do that!" he laughs.  When we leave ourselves open, he enters, whether we know it or not.  And when we mourn, he rejoices.

An ancient American prophet, envisioning our day and observing what is going on, prophesied that if Satan is not checked, he will bring this generation to destruction. Addressing himself to our present situation, Nephi said:

“… the kingdom of the devil must shake, and they which belong to it must needs be stirred up unto repentance, or the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish;

“For behold, at that day [that’s today] shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.

“And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

“And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.” (2 Ne. 28:19–22.)

One day, I hope to be better than I once was.  I never desired to be a cautionary tale, and yet I desire for you to make the most of this tragedy.  I end with these hopeful words from Isaiah and my testimony in the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows. …

“… He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” 

^{Isaiah 53:4-5}