The Skinny on Being Skinny

"Wow Laura you look great!" 

This is what I heard over and over, after 7 months of obsessive exercise and dieting.  I had lost 50 pounds.  I was the lowest weight I had been in years.  I was only 19.  And guess what?  I really wasn't skinny.  I was average.  But at least I wasn't "fat!"  Right? 

I mean, isn't that the worst possible thing a woman can be?  You can be stupid, you can have a crooked nose or tons of acne, but you can not be FAT!!! 

When I heard all those compliments, I was happy they noticed all my hard work, but mostly, I was irritated.  Was I somehow more of a person than I was before?  Was I better, funnier, more worth while?  Was the universe finally approving of me because I took up less space? 

It pissed me off.  I think I'm a damn fine person.  Fat or not. 

I have not always felt this way.  Growing up years were tough.  I was constantly trying to lose weight.  I struggled with serious depression and anxiety. I wanted that perfect body because I desperately wanted someone to love me.  I knew that no one would love me if I was fat.  No one. 

When I was 19 I had a medical problem that was diagnosed.  I began obsessively counting calories and exercising.  I went to school and worked as a nanny, and hardly ever ate.  I told myself the calories weren't worth it.  I was becoming anorexic. 

I cheered every pound I lost.  I thought about food and losing weight all day long.  It never left my mind.  I was miserable.  Because I couldn't have a life.  I couldn't afford to let go, eat something I loved, or think about anything that would get me off track of losing weight.  I couldn't let myself be fat!  No one would ever love me if I did! 

One day I was at the gym, had just worked out for hours, and sat down to eat my one of three apples I allowed myself to eat each day.  And I mean I only ate three apples a day.  I was scarfing it down like a starving person, because I was one.  Finally it dawned on me.  I had a problem.  I wasn't fun anymore.  I liked myself even less than I did when I was "fat".  I was becoming crazy.  I needed to let this obsession go. 

So I did.  I kept exercising, but only when my pants became too tight.  I got rid of my scale.  From that point on, I went with how I FELT, not how I looked.  I was happier, more fun, and yes, heavier.  And I learned to love myself, no matter what size. 

What's the point of all this, you may wonder.  Well, it is that being skinny isn't the be all end all.  It is being YOU.  Whether your body is fat or thin, it doesn't matter as long as you LOVE you.

Most people would agree that the following ladies are somewhat unattractive:

But most of us want to look like these ones:

Isn't it the same thing, really?  Trying to be someone else?  Something else?  Instead of just being the best YOU can be? 

I don't mean being as skinny as YOU can be.  I mean being the BEST you can be.  Being as smart, as funny, as kind as you can.  Being healthy, happy, and full of life.  This is the BEST you can be.  The size of your waist is not. 


I have ALWAYS hated the following saying:

Be HONEST!

Because when you are constantly worrying about being "skinny", you are not allowing yourselves the simple joy of just being ALIVE. 

Most women agree that they want their daughters to have healthy self esteems.  Most of these same women are constantly criticizing their bodies, talking about how fat they are for all to hear.  And you think your daughter will have a healthy body image listening to that?  PLEASE. 

This picture is more horrifying than a number of possibilities.  I will NEVER let my daughter hear negative things about anyone's body come from my mouth.  I have NEVER once talked badly about my body in front of my children, or anyone.  My body is my body.  It is the way it is.  Hers is the way it is.  Both are beautiful, wonderful, and made by God.  Sometimes my children ask me why I'm fat.  You know what?  It doesn't bother me at all.  I say to them, "I think I look good.  This is how my body looks now.  Aren't bodies wonderful?"  And guess what else?  They accept that!  And so do I.  I also explain to them that talking about other people's bodies is not okay.  It is not their business. 

Here is my advice to all women.  You can be healthy, happy, and worthwhile if you are not skinny.  You can be loved, cherished, and comforted if you are not thin.  You can have all of these things from YOU.  You don't need to be skinny to find the love of your life.  YOU are the love of your life. 

I finally did get married.  I cried many tears over comments on my body by my husband, my parents, my friends, etc.  I never did find that love and acceptance from any of those people.  I found it in ME. 

I have a wonderful painting I keep in a private place.  I bought it at a low point in my life.  It says, "She discovered she was the hero she was waiting for."  YOU are the hero you've been searching for.  YOU have the power to lift you up, feel good about yourself, and be everything you ever wanted to be.  YOU are your own hero.  I love love love that.  When I feel ugly because of something that is said to me, I brush it off.  I don't give it another thought.  Because I am more than the sum of my physical attributes.  So are you.

God loves you JUST as you are.  If you keep an eternal perspective on this, you'll find that your body is more celestial than you think it is.  Your body is magnificent.  I hope you'll realize that before you have a horrible disease, illness, or injury force you to.  I have had a terrible injury.  One that effects my life every step I take.  Every moment.  It effects my exercise and my overall health.  But I am thankful for my body, as imperfect as it is. 

Some day, we will look back on our time here on earth, and be saddened when we realize how much time and energy we wasted on hating our body.  Time we could have been living, loving, and serving others.  There is a reason that those cast out of heaven are desperate for a body, any body.  We have something so wonderful and God-like at our beck and call.  Do we treat it with the respect it deserves? 

My greatest wish for each woman is for them to start worrying less on how they look, and start worrying more about loving themselves.  And I hope that each one of you will look at your reflection with the love it deserves.
 

"Mormon Thinking"

"I'm not superstitious, but..."

This is how a gal at church started a conversation the other day.  She continued to talk about how she believes that some things, like lightning hitting a house for sale, may not mean anything; but she wouldn't buy that home. 

She ended by asking, "Does that make me superstitious?"

 I responded,  "No, that makes you Mormon." 

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we can't help but be a little superstitious. 

We may not believe that it is "bad luck" to walk under a ladder, see a black cat, and so forth, but we would wonder (whether we voiced it or not) why lightning struck that house.  Was it a message from God?  Did the previous owners practice Satanism?  Or perhaps God just doesn't want us to live there; He wants to guide us to another home, another neighborhood, to fulfill our path in life. 

Be honest.  You've thought things like this before, haven't you.  We all have.  It is part of our Mormon DNA.  Part of what we've been taught.  We are flooded with testimonies of "Everything happens for a reason" and "God can bring about his work through trials."  We believe in signs of the times, in evil forces, and that Satan is in charge of water.  (Here's a little background into that little diddy). 

(  D&C 61 (Preface) says: "Revelation given through Joseph Smith he Prophet, on the bank of the Missouri River, McIlwaine's Bend, August 12, 1831. On their return trip to Kirtland the Prophet and ten elders had traveled down the Missouri River in canoes. On the third day of the journey many dangers were experienced. Elder W.W. Phelps, in daylight vision saw "the destroyer riding in power upon the face of the waters."

Then later in verses 14-16: "Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

"Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters.

"And it shall be said in days to come that none is able to go up to the land of Zion upon the waters, but he that is upright in heart."    )

I certainly don't make light of many of these things, because I believe a lot of them myself.  But sometimes we lose ourselves in the murky waters  (no pun intended) of what is God's voice, and what is our strangely wired "Mormon Thinking." 

I believe that some things are meant to be.  I also believe that God can bring great and wonderful things out of trials and tragedy.  But I do not believe that we need to find a deeper, more significant meaning to everything we see.  Sometimes, lightning is just lightning.  And God lets it be.  Other times, things happen to us that make us take notice of ourselves, to refocus and recharge, and to become better.  The difference in those two situations is the presence and guidance of the Holy Ghost.  If you see a bolt of lightening, know you are doing good in life, and feel nothing prompting you otherwise, by jove move into that house!  If you feel a prompting about that home, telling you it is not right, then it probably isn't.  The trick is to LISTEN to what God has to say, not to PLANT superstitious ideas into your own head.  After all, God's ways are not our ways. 

He is not always telling you what you think He is though.... 

Feelings of self-doubt and sadness are not always because of sin.  When they are, you know it.  When they aren't, you need to let them go.  Listen.  Take a moment.  Are you becoming better from those feelings?  Or are they just dragging you down?  Either start repentance, or stop with those feelings.  They aren't healthy.  They aren't for a greater cause.  God wants you to be happy.  So repent, or start loving yourself and thinking positive, HEALTHY thoughts.  

"The Lord’s thoughts and ways are higher than the thoughts and ways that come from men.  The Lord said to man: “… my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, … for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isa. 55:8–9.)  God’s way was to create man, male and female, in his own image and likeness.  Man’s way is that man came from a lower form of life. God’s way justifies self-respect.  God’s way provides man a divine way of life. The Lord promised his children salvation in the kingdom of God if they would live and follow his ways. It is important to know that man can become godlike through the thoughts and ways of the Lord."  Bernard P. Brockbank

What God must be thinking constantly!

It is okay to be a Mormon Thinker.  We aren't all that dumb, just a little jumpy and introspective.  So listen to the Spirit.  It will tell you whether that lightening is worthy of panic. And the next time you see a black cat in your path?  Pick it up and give it a cuddle, 'cause my guess is God wants you to.  ;) 

Abuse and the Mormon Woman: The Bigger Fool Am I

Every night I go to sleep next to a man I loathe. I try not to hate him, I really do.  Most of the time I can convince myself he is a good person; he has potential, and that the abuse will stop.  And then it happens again. 

I wasn't always this weak.  I worked as a victim advocate for a police department.  I told woman after woman that there is no excuse for abuse.  LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!  I took the training, looked at the horrible things that happened to other women, and vowed I would NEVER let that happen to me.

It sneaks up on you.  It doesn't present itself on the first date, even the first 15.  Often abuse comes out of nowhere, but if you look back, you see that perhaps your besotted self missed something obvious to other people.  But it can trick them too.  They can look at your abuser and see a great person, friendly, charming, and wonderful.  But they can't see.  And most of us won't ever let them.

Mormon women are an anomaly in a lot of ways.  We are faithful to a fault.  We are told to not air our dirty laundry, to work harder in our marriage, and that if we pray enough, attend the temple enough, or meet with our church leaders enough, we can save our marriage.  While is isn't always implied that we are at fault, we are often looked at in a negative light if we are the ones to file for divorce and to "abandon" our families.

Many of us will go to bed each night and put on a happy face for the kids.  We will have been shoved into a wall one minute, sworn at the next, then have to suck it up and put our kids to bed.  We hope they don't see what is happening, but when we are honest, we know they do.  And our hearts are broken.

But what can we do?  Many of us choose to stay at home with our children.  We want to be there with them to help them through this difficult life.  We want to spend as much time with them as we can.  But this decision feels dangerous once you are at the mercy of your husband for money, affection, and a home.  Without him, you have nothing. No resources, no prospects, no hope.  How can you raise children while living in your car, with no money for gas, no computer to find a job, and no food?  So you stay.  And you die.  Every day you die.  But you hold it together like a good Mormon Woman should.

"Marriage is ordained of God, and we must do everything we can to strengthen the ties that bind, to strengthen our homes, and to prepare ourselves by exemplary living to teach our children the ways of God, which is the only way for them to find happiness here and eternal life hereafter.

As we enumerate the many important responsibilities a woman has in connection with her duties as a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a sister, a sweetheart, or a good neighbor, it should be evident that these challenging responsibilities can satisfy her need to express her talents, her interests, her creativity, dedication, energy, and skill which so many seek to satisfy outside the home. It is impossible to estimate the lasting influence for good a woman can have in any of these roles. Let me remind us all of her primary responsibilities."

N. Eldon Tanner

Easy, right?

I am not a perfect Mormon woman.  I sure try though.  I try to go to church, follow the prophet, and help others in need.  I try to love my husband.  God knows I try.  It is hard.  I feel alone, and often miserably unhappy.  But I keep plugging along.  I know that Jesus was long-suffering, patient, and kind.  This is how we are supposed to be in our marriages.  We put up with the junk in this life for a bigger reward in the life to come.  Isn't that what we are aiming for?  Isn't that worth putting up with the abuse?  Or are we just allowing ourselves to be treated this way because we think it is penance for past sins?

For me, it is all of the above.

I wasn't the perfect girl before I was married.  I made serious errors in judgement.  Sometimes I think that those errors cursed my marriage, and therefore I can not be happy because I made those decisions.  Even though I met with my Bishop, repented, and moved on, I still can't fully believe my marriage isn't cursed.  Perhaps all this is my doing, and I just need to tough it out. I can't be a good Mormon and actively seek a divorce from my husband, can I?  I'm am desperately trying to follow the wise cousin of my beloved Gordon B. Hinckley. 

"If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness."  
President Gordon B. Hinckley

I try so desperately to ensure the comfort and happiness of my husband.  I am never violent of him.  I compliment him, write him love notes (even when I'm not sure I feel it), make his meals and keep his home and children taken care of.  No matter how many hints I drop, pleads for change, or tears I cry, it is only myself that is trying to save this marriage.  Even though I desperately hate it.  And what am I to do with the counsel from Elder Richard G. Scott?

"Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive. No one can take away your ultimate opportunities when you understand and live eternal law. The laws of your Heavenly Father and the atonement of the Lord have made it possible that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the children of God."

How do I respond to that?  I have no resources.  How can I make a change for good?  Or are my eternal possibilities based on how I tough this out?  Do I leave him, or do I keep this "Eternal Family" whole?  Because he is breaking covenants, is this marriage even valid?  Is there any point in staying?   I feel lost for revelation.  Are my prayers not being answered because I am meant to stay with him?  Or is it because I need to make a decision first?  Do I just need to "decide to be happy?"  Is that even possible?

Perhaps you have advice for me.  Perhaps it is like the advice I used to offer those other women.  And perhaps I should take it.  But for now, I will lie in bed and suck it up.  Because that is what I was taught to do.  And if nothing else, I was taught to be a good Mormon Woman.  Therefore, the bigger fool am I. 

*THE AUTHOR HAS ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. 

Why not just be? Why Mormon women should stop with the labels.

I recently read an article written by one of the thousands of "Mommy bloggers" out there about how she is a "Mormon misfit."  And I was left scratching my head wondering, yeah, who isn't? 

So why do we all try to either stand out or fit in?  Aren't they one in the same?  Why not just BE?

I've felt the same as many of you self proclaimed misfits.  I've felt like I didn't belong, couldn't relate, and wasn't in the same boat or even on the same planet as "other Mormon women".  Until I realized, not only are we all "those other Mormon women", but  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  Yep, that is right.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if I have zero children or 15.  It doesn't matter if I have tattoos, strange hair, or a super "Mormon mommy" style.  It doesn't matter unless I want it to.  And I don't.

If you feel out of place at church, or among other members of the LDS faith, you need to do some soul searching.  Is it really that you are a "misfit", or is it that you are making yourself feel like one?  Do you really think that others are judging you for not being perfect, or is it that others are wondering if you are judging them?  Take a step back, and a longer, harder look.  Most likely you'll find that everyone feels like that sometime in their lives.  If you are a "Mormon misfit", then so is everyone else in the church.  There are no "misfits", only a collection of individuals who are flawed, and for the most part, doing their best to become better.

We see ourselves as a tiny dot that stands out in a crowd, so obviously different. 

 Sometimes we feel like our differences are embarrassing, and make us somehow less of a good Mormon; less of a person.

But just like we need a toilet amongst a mid of other chairs, we need a whole bunch of different personalities, skills, and styles to make the world go round, and our church to become the best it can be. 

We are all different, and we NEED the diversity in the church.  The members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints need to work harder at dropping the labels of "good Mormon" and "Mormon misfit" and starting just being yourself.  I want to attend a church where I see all sorts of characters.  Short, tall, fat, thin.  People with talents in music, and people with talents in photography.  People who are amazing at teaching little children, and people who are terrible with children but are trying to be better.  After all, I am one of those.... and heck (yes I said heck) I have two children of my own!  Isn't that what this life is about?  Trying to be better?  Trying to learn and improve and someday, maybe, if we work really hard, become perfect? 

No one is perfect in this life.  We all make mistakes, worry about others judging us, and worry that we don't fit in.  But we don't need to.  We can just accept that we aren't perfect, we aren't ever going to be like everyone else, and CELEBRATE the differences.  Celebrating is FUN!  And being a group of people who have different talents and abilities is fun.  Being with people who can teach life lessons from their experiences is not only fun, but good for all of us. Imagine how missionary work would ADVANCE if people weren't afraid to come to a church that had only ONE TYPE OF ACCEPTABLE PERSON??  We teach that God loves us all, as we are.  He loves and accepts everyone.  We should too.  People would flock to the church if they knew they'd be accepted and loved and CELEBRATED.  So what are we waiting for??? 

Honesty time!  I'm not perfect at this.  I have those moments where I feel like I'm inadequate.  I'm not great at a lot of things other gals in my ward are.  But I've learned to just be okay with that.  It is so freeing to say to someone, "I'm terrible at sewing, crafts, singing, (insert your weakness here)".  From there, you can either try to improve in those areas, or just let it go.  After all, there are some things that many LDS women love that I don't care at all about.  I'm sure the same goes for you.  You just have to be okay with it, and life will be AMAZING!  Trust me.  There is freedom in letting yourself JUST BE. 

Be a little better.  Develop in yourself the qualities you want to have.  Your best is YOUR best.  Who cares if it is not Jane's best, or Sara's best?  It is YOUR best.  Own it.  Own you.  Take a deep breath, and JUST BE. 

One short and simple reason why women will never have the Priesthood in this life.

Long time no post.  Unlike many people out there, I rarely blog unless I really want to get something out.  And this time, I do. 

I have a lot of female friends who have left the church.  Many of them left over feeling oppressed, or just depressed.  I have listened to them, sympathized with them, and even agreed with them on many issues.  Most of the time, I keep my feelings to myself.  Like the undying dislike I have for the Scouting program, and my opinion that the church should not call people to positions in scouting, but that private citizens should volunteer if they so desire, and leave those of us who disagree out of it.  But I digress.....

For those of you out there who are pushing to get the Priesthood as female members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I say this.  Sorry, but it ain't gonna happen. 

Or Sis, as the case might be. 

Here's why.  We all know the Sunday school answers on why women do not have the priesthood.  "Because men and women have different but equal roles....blah blah blah."  But what people don't seem to realize is that it is because of some of these "innate" differences that women will never be priesthood bearers in this life.  What differences?  I know you are gearing up to argue, so let's figure this out.  You know the song "Anything you can do I can do better?"  Well, that isn't exactly true.  Men are just better at some things than women are. 

I am not one of those women who try to seem cool by talking down other women and holding men up.  I try to look at things evenly, and if I had to choose a superior being, I'd probably choose women.  (Sorry bros.... thems the breaks).  But I will allow for women not being as naturally good at things as men, and vise versa.  I'm not saying that women won't become perfected in their weaknesses eventually, but I think it will be a while before women can "deal" with aspects of the priesthood that men can. 

Ladies, have you ever gossiped?  No?  Never?  I don't believe you.  And neither will anyone else when you hold the position of ward clerk, and let it slip that "so and so was in the bishop's office, but NOT for a temple recommend."  And disaster strikes.  Okay, you might not do this, but heaven knows another woman would.  And sure, some men might do this as well, but I've never met one.  You know why?  THEY DON'T CARE!!  Men are great at not caring.  They mind their own business exceptionally well.  This can sometimes be a bad thing, but for the most part, it is an asset.  As women, we care.  We arguably care too much about people's business.  This is both a strength and a weakness, and until as a whole we learn to reign it in, we will never be in positions to hold the priesthood.  And that, my friends, is one SIMPLE reason that women will never hold the priesthood.  So lets use all that energy to do something like change the world!!