I had the opportunity this week to do an interview with John Dehlin and Mormon Stories. I've had some time to ponder what has happened since, and I wanted to voice a few thoughts I've had.
First of all:
THANK YOU!
Thank you to all of those who reached out. I am so sincerely touched by the wonderful people who have said a kind word. It is always astounding to me how much a kind word can brighten a life. I've felt my life brighten immensely.
I've also felt a few stings and wounds. I'd like to address those who are upset, hurt, or distrustful. Here are a few points I'd like to highlight.
1. I understand how someone could think I was taking advantage of my Grandfather's calling in the church. This is not so. My entire life has been entangled with his calling. I just wanted to share my story. I hope that you can come to see that my intentions were not to spill dirty secrets about the church and its leaders. Not only do I not know any dirty secrets, I never would want to hurt another person. Ever.
2. I've been accused of being classless for "airing dirty laundry". This in particular stung. It has been spoken of many times in my life. Always a HUGE no-no. Do not share things that are unpleasant. This is disloyal and inappropriate. Do not air your dirty laundry for all to know. It is not anyone's business. So yes, I can understand why people would think this. My family is incredibly upset with me for this reason. But I seek healing; not just for myself but for others who may hear my story, both in and out of the church. Silence is deadly in so many cases. Listening to someone say, "I've been there too" can sometimes be a powerful tool in finding your inner peace. This was my only intent. Not to hurt, but to heal. I believe that somewhere down the line this will help my family too. I want them to feel like they can be more open about their feelings, shortcomings, and hopes for the future. I love them. I wish them the very best life can offer.
3. It was hard to hear hurtful comments about being a mentally ill adulteress. Yes, all of that is true. But I've said it before and will say it again; I am more than the sum of my parts. Everyone who has ever made a mistake, and everyone who lives with an illness of any kind, knows that they are not the mistake; not the illness. It is a part of us, but does not act for us. It is woven within our life; it is not our life. There is no pride in my sin; but no shame in my illness. These extremely personal problems were shared as an attempt to show everyone it is okay to make mistakes or to acknowledge illness. We just need to learn how to cope in a way that is uplifting to others and ourselves.
4. Perhaps the most difficult criticism to hear was that I am insincere. When I hear something unpleasant about myself, I look deep down and see if there is any truth. This time, there is none. Everything I said was 100% honest. My hopes and dreams aren't all that complicated. I just want happiness for myself and others. I hope to help people throughout this journey we call life. Because I know people have helped me.
In closing, I want to say thank you again. Being thrust into a spotlight was not easy for me. I've never liked being the center of attention. But I've been so grateful for the kind words that have eased the pain of the hurtful ones. I'm still figuring out life. Thank you for accepting me as I am.
Love,
Laura Roper Andreasen
Being vulnerable takes courage, but it is worth it. You are an impressive person as far as I'm concerned, because you own who you are, flaws and all. That strikes me as authentic and sincere. Big kudos to you.
ReplyDeleteYou helped many. You hurt none. Your conversation was calm and delivered without blaming. I hope your family got what I did: that you love and honor your family without agreeing with all they do. Thank you again for standing up and making it count.
ReplyDeleteLaura anyone who would say you were insincere in the interview was just not paying attention, or possibly does not comprehend autism spectrum. Many people have no understanding of the unique approaches and patterns of someone with autism spectrum. Bullying and abusing people with autism spectrum has been a staple in society for a very long time, since before it was called autism. We are more likely to be victims of the abuse of others, than to be abusive towards others. The quirks of someone with ASD are like red meat to abusers/bullies/aggressive types. They see the self defense weaknesses of someone with asd and pounce, usually quickly, and sometimes it takes us years to formulate a productive response to a particular abuser's behavior. I could fill entire hard drives explaining firsthand instances of this. It's a blessing from God to usually not be an offender (the core blessing of having asd) but the other side of the coin is that those of us with asd have a uniquely hard time dealing WITH offenders who come at us in regular fashion.
ReplyDeleteI listened to the entire nearly 4 hour interview (whew), and here's what I noticed about you Laura:
You are clearly locked into a pattern of searching/experimenting. Searching and experimenting are good but can become a trap, because what does someone do, who is used to the fun of searching and experimenting, when they find, or have already found truth about God, truth related to the realities of their health status, etc? The answer is some people get flat out locked into a pattern of searching and experimenting. It closely resembles the pattern of the shopper (somebody gave a talk about the patterns of the shopper years ago). The search, the shopping, the experimenting, is a slightly exciting and hopeful mindset of limitless possibilities. Setting aside some search means setting aside that exciting hope of what COULD BE. There's a bit of a let down, which is why some people don't want to let go of the search/experiment/shopping. Finding the truth is frankly a bit of a let down because it means a person has to abandon searching/shopping/experimenting and has to get to work USING the truth they've found. When someone struggles with depression, the excitement of searching/shopping/experimenting can become a management tool to manage the depression. There's something definitely cool about limitless unknown possibilities, and having that emotional wonder that goes with searching/experimenting, but that can be very tough to partially let go of. I don't believe we ever totally let go of searching and experimenting, but as we progress, we must give up increasing amounts of the desire to search and experiment over the items we have learned, because hopefully we have been having success and no longer need to search/experiment on some things. Otherwise we stop our progression and become like a computer's CPU processor that is bogged down with a hung program. Tons of energy is being expended but no progress is being made. A person dependent on the emotional payoff of feeling good and excited by ever searching/shopping/experimenting, sets aside the truth they've long known, so they can get back to searching and getting that good feeling related to limitless possibilities. It would be like someone panning for gold, who never takes their found gold to be sold, because the "high" of searching the river is just too captivating. Those with autism spectrum have a well known weakness where we do repetitive things. Sometimes it's to feel better, and sometimes it's just ASD being ASD.
There is a scripture that deals with "ever learning and never coming to a knowledge of the truth." If one is always searching/shopping/experimenting, they don't really get to know the truth they already have.
My wife and I loved your interview. My wife really felt like she could understand and identify with a lot of your story. She grew up in Utah and has struggled with the church. We made the decision to resign from the church a week before the new policy change and hearing your experience has given us renewed strength. It was not you who hurt people with your words. If anyone is hurt it was due to church teachings. You are not responsible if other people are hurt by your true authentic self. You can't be responsible. You are responsible for you and not for anyone else. As long as you are doing your best to live authentically and be true to yourself then you should hold your head high.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that people have been unkind to you for speaking your truth. It always makes me sad that people hide behind religion when they want to be mean or inflict hurt upon other people. You did not deserve any unkind words. We are responsible for our own actions and from the little I know of your actions you have done nothing wrong by speaking out. Silence just allows the cycle of hurt, shame, and repression to be repeated indefinitely. You had the courage to break the cycle and we all need to celebrate that. You are a miracle because you are alive and have a truth that is unique to you. A truth that no one can take away from you unless you let them.
I hope this experience does not discourage you in the future. You have an important voice and one that would be tragic were it silenced. Keep speaking out. Keep helping people like my wife to feel good about speaking their truth. Keep being a person who refuses to be silent when people are being destroyed by a culture that tries to force people into a rigid mold rather than taking them as they are. We need more people like you who are willing to speak out and validate others who have faced similar feelings of shame and hurt. Your story is so important and I for one thank you from the bottom of my heart. People like you are heroes. No matter what anyone else says, my family thinks you are great.
Peace be the journey friend.
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ReplyDeleteThank you very much for describing your journey. Thousands of others have the same thoughts and experiences you've had, and feel too intimidated to talk about them. Your candor will help people exercise their free agency to find their authenticity and become whole. Without feeling shameful. I wish I'd heard your story when I was 21 instead of 72.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated hearing about your experience with the church and what led you out of it. It is one of the few (perhaps the only) stories other than my own that don't seem to follow the pattern of "my shelf broke" or I found out the church was not true so I left. I just couldn't do it anymore, it didn't matter if it was true or not, I was done. I prayed and prayed to know that it wasn't true. I'm more satisfied with my answer to that than I ever was when I attempted to get an answer that it was true. I appreciated your comment about your self worth being tied only to your ability to have children. Perhaps you can imagine what it is like to be raised in the church and then infertile. I also read some of your earlier blog posts, and would love to be your friend, but... I really prefer cookies to candy, so if you're firm on that.... ;-)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE me some cookies. So we can totally be friends. ;)
DeleteThank you!!! I just finished listening to your interview with John. It was awesome to hear somebody else on the Dallas area who has or is going through similar things as me. Outside of Utah can really alienate people even when becoming post-Mormon. I appreciate your candidness with everything you shared -- bc you know they're things no one would EVER share in Relief Society. That was always something I had a hard time with - bc no sisters could ever opening share what their REAL struggles were and if they did (even with the Bishop) -- my experiences are that there was never any real help for the real stuff. Oh man I got stories! My therapist actually wants to write a back based on them! Lol Anyway - thanks again. I'm sure it was an emotional sacrifice in some way of not in others!!
ReplyDeleteExcuse the typos above! Ugh! Autocorrect!!
ReplyDeleteI heard the MormonStories interview and I hope John invites you back and that you accept the invitation. You are a woman of grace with a good and sincere heart. You are self-effacing, but have much more to offer than you think.
ReplyDeleteHello, Laura. I recently heard your interview on Mormon Stories, and I wad touched by your candor and honesty. I would like to share my situation with you if you have the time to listen. It's complicated, but I feel you may have some insight. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteJust listened to the interview and enjoyed it from a different perspective. John is a very well-educated person, and he thrives in interviews with other people I would class as intellectuals. People who read a ton, and study history like crazy, and maybe even author their own works. That's his comfort zone.
ReplyDeleteI'm not that. I didn't fall away after reading everything I could get my hands on, or do the equivalent of a doctorate before I made my decision.
You talked about doing some, but even being overwhelmed by the length of the CES Letter. That's me. I left while feeling like I really didn't dive in as much as I could, so maybe if I had read just a little more...
But no. That's not who I am, and you helped me to see that's OK. That my experiences on their own are enough. They don't need historical or academic justification to be valid.
So thanks :)
Hello Laura, I listened to your interview with John Dehlin and appreciate your courage, candor, and honesty. I too come from a family that "doesn't talk about the hard things" and that has made life difficult when hard things happen. It feels like the people who should be there to talk through life's trials simply aren't there. Part of that is understandable, they don't have a foundation upon which they can interact and communicate while still sharing love and acceptance.
ReplyDeleteI am saddened to hear that you've had some negative feedback. I just wanted to give you a little positive feedback, to let you know I value what you said and think and respect you a great deal. I wish the best for you!
Laura thanks so much for doing the interview and for writing this blog. I love your honesty and vulnerability and I related to so much of what you said. thank you again, I hope you have a beautiful day full of happiness.
ReplyDeleteLaura I have just watched your interviews with John Dehlin and wanted to make contact just to tell you what I thought. Your interview was absolutely a breath of fresh air! I laughed out loud on occasion because you were just so downright honest .... boy is that ever a welcome trait. I loved that nothing was off limits for you and I can see how you feel that instead of having to continually keep everything blanketed in the whitewashed world of Mormon perfection, for you it is cathartic to finally be able to just speak and not worry about the opinion of others. And DONT worry about it either. Just because someone says something doesn't make it true and the same can be applied to someone's comments to you or opinion of you. Their opinion is not your reality.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being brave enough to do the interview and for your honesty in front of the camera. It must be unbearable at times to be the grand daughter of an Apostle and have to be SEEN to be extra perfect in order to make him look extra saintly. Don't let the haters drag you down.
It was evident at times that you carry a lot of hurt from your experience of life and your interactions with your grandfather seemed to be almost expressions of that inner pain. Those who berate you won't see that of course as the eyes of compassion are closed to those who speak out against the Lord's Anointed. I guess close relatives of Apostles aren't supposed to have pain since all is supposed to be well in Zion but especially those with the hotline to the upper echelons of the LDS Church! It's heart breaking that for a Church which claims to make 'bad men good and good men better', so many good men and women are hurting, feeling deceived, feeling let down and simply that they have been plain old fooled by those in the leadership. Keep up the connection with the new found friends you have made because you will need some kind of grounding and support if you are to come out the other side. (It's NOT a quick process unfortunately).
Anyway, I just wanted to acknowledge your interview. I for one loved it.
Hi Laura I watched your interview. I loved hearing your story and seeing your courage to have a voice. It seems watching you come out of lds that it would be hard to trust again. I don't know. I just encourage you to trust in Jesus alone. I never grew up lds, but I always want to hear peoples hearts who have. I am sadden by the deception and then also by how people are treated when they question their doubts. I cant erase what has been taught to you. But please if anything will you read Galations and Romans in the bible. Will you watch some utube videos on the bible as where it came from , since the church has lied to you about its accuracy. Please keep going on your journey and ask God to reveal himself to you.He is faithful and loves you. Tatoos and pircings are no threat to his love and eternal salvation. You may have never been taught the truth about Grace.Please find out what biical grace is. God bless you -K
ReplyDeleteBiblical grace...also may I sugguest you watch some Apologia Studios videos. I HOPE YOU keep pressing on and dont settle until you find Truth and Peace and Love. And if you ever visit Alaska come see me.
ReplyDeleteJust listened to your interviews today. Amazing. You were very real and honest. If all of us could be like that speaking our truth in kindness what a difference it would make in this world. I related to many parts of your story. Thank you 🙏
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