Coming Out: Me

I sincerely believe we all have a Coming Out.

A time when we tell those we love the most; those who have the ability to hurt us the most, that we are SOMETHING other than they want/believe/hope us to be.

I've been trying to tell those I love for years that I am not what they want me to be.

I've watched as they laughed it off as "Laura just being Laura."

I've cried as they labled me a "rebel" an "apostate" or as "confused".

Each time, I was, in my own small way, speaking my truth.

Begging for love.

Pleading, "Can you just love me for who I am?  Flaws and all?

So here I am, coming out with an attempt to be clear on a topic that isn't at all clear.  ME.

I'm coming out as someone who is open minded.

I accept that I don't know all the answers.  I realize that I may be wrong on SO MANY THINGS!  I leave a spot of my life open for change, for understanding, and for acceptance.  I will listen to all sides, and err on the side of kindness.  Believe in me.  As I am. 

I'm coming out as a questioning Mormon.

I love The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I've been a member all my life.  But I also question it.  I question the amount of love and acceptance in it.  I question some of the regulations.  And I admit that being a member of this church as been both a wonderful blessing and a cause of much self harm.  Being a member has not always been beautiful.  It has been painful.  It has caused me to feel horrible about myself on occasion.  It has led me to be confused on the true nature of God, when I thought it was supposed to teach me about God's Love.  So yes, I question it.  I don't agree immediately to all things "Mormon".  I take my time.  I have my feelings.  I research it out in my mind and in my heart, and I act accordingly.  And I have hope that some day, I will completely understand it.  Trust in me: As is.

I'm coming out as someone who has tattoos and piercings.  

It makes me laugh that out of all of the things I've done to disappoint people, this is so high on the list.  I'm sorry if these actions are hurtful to others.  I'm tired of being told how I should look.  I have never understood how people body shamed me so often under the guise of "caring".  If you care, let me be the big girl I am.  Let me make my own well-thought out decisions.  I'm not getting tattoos of things that don't mean anything to me.  They are important to me.  That is all that should matter to you.  Me: as I am.

I'm coming out as someone who is okay with being imperfect.

This has taken me a long time.  For years and years I fought this.  I wanted to be perfect.  I suppose I still do.  But I'm okay with NOT being perfect, and I'm okay with taking my time to do so.  I'm not saying that I am giving up on improvement.  I'm saying that I'm going to be kinder with myself in the process.  I'm not going to drag myself down anymore.  I'm going to build myself up.  I cannot believe it has taken me so long to realize I have to be my own ADVOCATE.  So that is what I'm going to be.  Accept me: as I am.

I'm coming out as someone who rejects the labels you put upon me.

I suppose my family knows this better than anyone.  I HATE HATE HATE when people classify me.  I cannot stand when people call me a rebel, an apostate, flighty, liberal, crazy, etc.  I was CONSTANTLY told these things by people.  Most of them were forced upon me by educators and people in the church.  This was and is incredibly painful.  Being told you are a pain in the ass because you are struggling to understand, or being told you have an attitude problem for asking a simple question, is wrong.  It is WRONG.  I refuse to do that to my children.  I don't know why anyone would do that to another HUMAN being.  My son and I are both on the Autism Spectrum.  I refuse to define either of us by that.  While I will tell people we are on the spectrum in order to foster better understanding, I also tell my son he cannot use that as an excuse.  We don't want to be labeled disabled for being differently-abled.  We just want to be loved: as is.

I'm coming out as someone who suffers from and takes medication for anxiety and depression.

On this, I have relatively little to say.  Every action I do is NOT caused by anxiety or depression.  Some are affected by it, but if you write off my feelings as part of my mental illness, you are losing a lot in translation.  I am MORE than the sum of my parts.  If you do not know what it is like to suffer, you do not know Christ.  Please do not tell me how to better manage my anxiety or depression.  It has been my co-pilot for years.  We know how to work together.  Just love us.  As is.

I'm coming out as ME.

I am Laura Roper Andreasen.  I have made mistakes.  I have loved deeply, been hurt deeply, and cried mightily.  I have watched my testimony grow through the mistakes I have made, and through suffering.  I have watched myself fall from great spiritual heights to the bottom of the pit.  I have fought with those I love; sometimes due to not having a control on my anxiety, and sometimes because I was just being a douche.  I say things like "douche" and don't really feel bad about it.  I sometimes make jokes that other people don't appreciate.  I still think I'm funny.  I LOVE my children more than life itself.  I would kill for them.  I am the BEST mother they could have, because I am THEIR mother.  They love me.  JUST AS I AM.  They are the only ones I have felt accept me totally, completely, and irrevocably.  For that, they have my undying loyalty, my oath to do everything I can for them, and my absolute devotion.

I hope that this helps some of you who are trying to get a read on me.  I often feel like people don't ever seek out the real me.  They want an easy to categorize version of a complex person.  I can only be what I am.  But trust me when I say, that is enough.  I am enough.  As is.