Similarities between Rape and Mormon Culture

I recognize that this article will upset people.  While it does concern me that reading this might provoke feelings in others that are uncomfortable, I hope it will spark conversation and dialog about the real problems in similarity between Mormon Culture and rape.  Yes, it is scary.  But, to steal a much beloved Mormon saying, "You can do hard things!"

If you immediately want to tell me I have no right to compare rape and Mormon culture because I don't know rape, you are wrong.  I do.  First hand.  Those gory details are not for this article; but are part of my life story; part of my "rough stone rolling". 

Recently I started speaking out in church.  It has felt wonderful, and terrible all at once.  I've questioned the ideas of what I've termed "Mormon Thinking", and laughed at a lot of our cultural superstitions.  I've also spoken out about how I dislike our disgust of people's pain and suffering.  The stories that make people human are also the most uncomfortable to hear.  This makes them the most important for us to hear. 

My predisposition to anxiety and depression was made worse by being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  My constant worry about being better, doing better, and vanquishing the "natural man" inside of me led to anguish.  When I attempted to voice these feelings of genuine pain, they were squashed.  On the spot.  Obviously, I wasn't praying/reading the scriptures/fasting etc. enough.  It was my lack of spirituality that caused the pain, not the actions of others.  Not the culture of silence.

Being abused or raped is wrapped in silence.  You are often told no one will believe you, so what is the point of saying anything at all?  You often BELIEVE no one will believe you.  You know it is not safe to speak out.  You will lose everything.  You could lose your job, your home, your social circle, your friends, your family, your spouse.  People will think less of or differently about you. 

Now take out "rape" in the above paragraph and insert "questioning the church". 

Being a questioner in the church is wrapped in silence.  You are often told no one will believe you, so what is the point of saying anything at all?  You often BELIEVE no one will believe you.  You know it is not safe to speak out.  You will lose everything.  You could lose your job, your home, your social circle, your friends, your family, your spouse.  People will think less of or differently about you.

Does this hit home? 

It did for me. 

When I went through a disciplinary counsel, I was told to erase all social media posts I may have written about my "sin" and the process of my church discipline.  This bothered me.  How does healing happen in silence?  Isn't the point of therapy to speak through our sorrows in order to understand a higher truth?  To get deeper, closer, and more precise on the path to finding peace?  Why was I being told (not asked) to be quiet?  Was the Church afraid of something? 

I brushed it off.  I've been a church apologist for years.  I served a mission and had a lot of practice brushing off unpleasant ideas with the sweep of "lack of understanding of a higher doctrine."  It bothered me, though I was more inclined to believe that my feelings of uncertainty were in regards to my lack of faith.  Blaming the victim perhaps?

Rape blames the victim.  You were dressed inappropriately.  You were leading him/her on.  You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  You shouldn't have done this, or that, or been here, or there. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often employs this same thinking pattern.  Do not get me wrong.  I do not believe most members do it on purpose.  I believe it is just so deeply ingrained into each of us that we cannot see it until it is pointed out to us. 

An example:  A friend of mine left the church.  She then was severely abused by her active Mormon husband.  I heard whispers of, "It must be hard for him to live with an apostate."  "She just lost the spirit."  You'd better believe I listened hard for those "What a horrible thing.  He should be in jail" whispers.  Those didn't happen. 

Another example:  A young LDS girl was pressured into having sex with her active LDS boyfriend.  I heard lots of "She's always been an immodest dresser" and "Boys will be boys."  Yes, in the church, boys will be boys and girls will be ostracized. 

Speak out about things you do not like?  You are immediately labeled, just as many rape victims are.  "Apostate" gets tossed out there a lot.  As my previous article mentioned, people can get scriptural in their labels:  "Tares", "Korihor", and "doubting Thomas" are just a few.  You are told you are murmuring, fighting against God, and that you lack understanding.  Just as rape is condescending, so too can the people labeling you be. 

Rape is about Control. 

I worked as a Victim Advocate for a Police Department.  It was often drilled into us that rape was about control, not about sex.  We were taught that abusers thrive on bullying others into doing their will.  The sense of power is so rewarding they cannot let it go, and will do anything to continue to feel it. 

WARNING:  Many of you will not like this.  

I believe the LDS church thrives because of control. 

As always, I do not believe 98% of the members feel this way, or make the connection.  Up until I sent in my resignation letter, I did not either. 

Do you want to be with your family forever?  Give us money, time, and energy.  Do you want to reach the highest level of Heaven?  Do not laugh loudly, speak badly of the Lord's anointed, or follow others who do.  Do you want happiness?  Do not shop on Sunday, eat certain foods, or watch certain movies.  You find great freedom in obedience to God.  And them's the rules kids. 

I have been afraid my entire life of saying no.  I've been afraid to say no.  If I say I can't physically or emotionally handle a calling, I'm losing blessings.  If I ask a question, I'm afraid I'll be accused of apostasy.  If I listen to someone's story and feel sympathetic to it, I'm letting Satan in to my heart and mind. 

These are scary things.  These are things I spent years hiding from.  As a child, I was always worried I was letting Satan in.  Satan!  The Devil!  That is TERRIFYING to a child.  I was being terrified because I was afraid to say no to a calling?  I was being scared into submission because I wasn't comfortable opening up with other church members about my doubts?  This is control.  The sneakiest, most subtle form.

I'm not asking anyone to do anything.  Just consider this.  Consider this as you sit and listen to the lessons on Sunday.  Ask yourself if you feel comfortable questioning, or if you fear it.  Allow yourself a moment to examine your feelings about the Church.  If it makes you utterly happy, then be in it!  If it brings you pain, suffering and anxiety, examine why, and act according to the dictates of your own conscience. 

You are smart, wonderful, and worthy, JUST AS YOU ARE.  You can be happy.  And you can be as LOUD as you need to be.