The Many Ways I am Failing My Children

I'm just going to start off by saying I was blessed with two beautiful, healthy children.  The two of them have already taught me more than I could ever teach them, so I'm already in debt.  Even with that knowledge, I'm still failing them. 

Sure, it could be worse.  I could abuse my children, or not love them.  Heck, I'm going to knock on wood, because these days just about anything counts as child abuse.  I'm guilty of spanking, its rare, but sure, add it to my list. 

As Mormon moms, we get a whole lot more to fail at in the parenting department.  If we don't have our children at church every Sunday (I don't), if we don't spend time planning and executing Family Home Evening (I don't), and if we don't fulfill our own church callings (this is iffy), we are failing our children. 

Truth be told, I am currently in a bit of a crisis.  It started right about the time I hit 30.  Not sure what led to the snapping of my carefully molded self, but it snapped.  I stopped attending church.  I pierced my nose, and I started questioning EVERYTHING.  That isn't to say that I disagreed with everything, just that I questioned it. 

I began to allow myself to just not care as intensely as I used to.  I stopped caring about what people in my church thought about me.  I stopped forcing my kids to go to church, even though I've been lectured many times on how "the sin will be upon the head of the parents".  It isn't that I don't want to be a good mom.  Its just that my version of a good mom may not be the same as yours. 

I don't take my kids to scouts, swim lessons, or sports.  Instead, I do those things with them.  Don't get me wrong, I only do them if I'm feeling it, which I'm often not.  But we do spend A LOT of time together.  I teach them things I've learned in life, and my husband pitches in with his knowledge.  We may not be professionals, but we ARE parents. 

I am not the best example of a perfect Mormon mom.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I want my kids to learn important life lessons.  I want them to learn about God, charity, and love.  I want them to see that even though they have a mom who drops several swear words, pierced her nose, and got a tattoo (as an OLD lady!) they have a mom who drops everything to help them, loves them with abandon, and tries desperately to teach them the BIGGER lessons in life. 

There are so many ways to fail your kids.  I'm pretty sure I do most of them.  I don't do their science fair projects.  I don't sing hymns with them and tell them Bible stories.  (Unless there is a particularly violent one I know they'd enjoy.)  I want to have a career, money to spend, and a better body.  I'm more vain than I should be, and less healthy than I ought to be.  I've got plenty of desire to break Mormon rules, and not much desire to be more devout. 

So I'm confused. 
If I want a body I can legitimately feel good about, or hell, to just feel hot, am I vain? 
If I want a career, for the self-esteem and also the money, am I selfish?
If I feel okay about getting a tattoo, or piercing, am I rebelling against God?
If I don't go to church often, and don't bring my children when I do go, is my spirituality weak?

I ask myself these questions and more on a daily basis.  I search myself to see if I am failing my children in a way that will haunt them for all eternity.  I don't just give myself a pass.  When I feel a stirring to improve, I do my best to improve.  Honestly, I fail at improving just as much as I fail at everything else.  But I put forth the effort.  I get a B- for effort.  So hey, better than average!