If you've read any of my other blog posts, this probably doesn't come as a surprise to you. I have always been pretty honest about my difficulties surrounding mental illness. I come by it naturally, as it occurs frequently on both sides of my family. It has taken me a long time to accept the fact that I struggle daily, but I have FINALLY given myself permission to give myself a break.
Ever since I can remember, I've been fighting crippling anxiety and depression. As a child, these illnesses led to many actions that I am not proud of. All of them attempts to heal myself, to understand myself, or to get some help; though I may not have realized it at the time.
As an adult, the problems compounded. Along with children came the worst depression of my life, also known as Postpartum Depression. This, along with other aspects, led to my divorce. Eventually, I got myself on medication and into therapy. These helped, but certainly didn't cure it. Mental illness cannot be "cured." It is often for life.
Because we as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have such an intertwined relationship with church and personal life, many of us struggle to contain our crazy in church. Often, we stop going to church all together because of some aspect within church culture. For example: A previous ward of mine was the largest ward in the world at the time. I couldn't step into the building without feeling like I was about to have a panic attack. I eventually told the Bishop of the ward I couldn't go anymore. I heard people mention they thought that was a cop-out, but that is merely ignorance at its finest.
Yep, society is great at hiding "crazy" under an umbrella of "everything is great!" As members of the LDS church, we are probably the very best at pretending everything is fine. THIS HAS GOT TO CHANGE! I'm all for being cheerful and optimistic. In fact, I am by nature a very positive person, despite my mental illness. But pretending to be fine when you are considering suicide is NOT OKAY. I've been there.
So how does this tie into church callings? Easily.
I once had a calling that stressed me out so much I stopped going to church. (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I had such terrible anxiety about it all week. I believed in revelation, so I felt it was an opportunity to grow and learn, as God would have me do. So I heaped more anxiety on top of my already budding hysteria. What would God think if I didn't do it? He would be so disappointed! The Bishop and all the ward will think I'm not a reliable member if I can't even do this simple calling! What is my problem? Other people aren't freaking out about their callings like I am!
Can you see the problem?
Eventually I told my Bishop I couldn't complete the calling. I felt terrible telling him. I felt that I was letting him, the ward, and God down. But it was either live in AGONY each day about my calling, or ask to be released. Here is where we need to change.
The Church is pretty understanding. Church culture is a tricky and imperfect beast. The Church loves all, and is full of charity. Church culture is chalk full of judgement and condemnation. We need to work on our culture folks.
Those with mental illness often stop attending church. Sometimes they will blame it on other things, but it is almost always due to the insecurity of their illness.
Moral of the story? Mental illness is real. You can't get rid of it by thinking positively. Most people with mental illness have positive outlooks on life. It is how they made it this far! It is an illness that can be crippling and incredibly painful. It is an illness that is judged harshly and unfairly. And it is time to treat all those who perhaps aren't doing as well as we think they should; be it in callings or at life in general, with a little kindness, love, and understanding. After all, isn't that what a Saint does?
Ah, yes. Church was always such a source of anxiety for me. I didn't even need a stressful calling, I was always worried about being called to something I wasn't comfortable with (involving public speaking for instance) and not being able to say no.
ReplyDeleteSubject: Novel about a Mormon missionary who goes insane on his mission.
ReplyDeleteHello, Laura
My name is John Draper. You don't know me from Adam. What led me to you is I'm a first-time novelist who is furiously marketing his first book, A Danger to God Himself. As such, I'm continually scouring the internet looking for blogs who might be willing to review my book.
My book is about a Mormon missionary who goes insane on his mission. I'd like to send you a free copy, paperback or Kindle.
Let me tell you the story behind my story:
Writing this novel cost me my religion. I’m not bitter or anything. Actually, it was liberating.
I started the book eight years ago as an Evangelical who wanted to skewer Mormonism. The book took me eight years to write. I probably read 25 books on Mormonism (and read everything on Mormonthink at least twice) and 25 books on schizophrenia. What’s more, I started attending a local ward undercover.
Long story short, I saw that devout Latter-day Saints had the same religion I had, really. Basically, we both loved God and Christ and we wanted to serve God and live more like Christ. I had to admit, the only difference between us was the words we used to describe our experience.
Further, I came to realize that the only reason I believed what I believed was that someone had told me to believe it.
I was just like so many Latter-day Saints and Evangelicals—if not all.
Bottom line, I became an agnostic.
The novel is narrated in the first person by Kenny, the missionary companion who watches his companion, Jared, succumb to schizophrenia. At first, Kenny and others assume that the voices Jared is hearing and the visions he’s seeing are from Heavenly Father.
But as Jared gets sicker and sicker, Kenny has to rethink his whole view of God and how God does or doesn’t interact with the world. Kenny’s journey became my journey: theist to, at best, deist.
So . . . I’d like to send you a free copy of my novel. I’m hoping you’ll write a book review—good, bad, or indifferent. Or maybe you’d like to interview me. Or maybe I could do a guest post.
If nothing else, you get a free book out of this.
Obviously, I want to sell more books, but I really think this book would be of interest to your subscribers. I think they will be able to see themselves in Kenny.
I know the book's not for everyone. My mother, for example, loved it but complained it contained too much vulgarity. I'm not sure how much vulgarity is too much, but the book does contain 91 F Bombs. (I counted.)
Let me know if you would like to talk more.
Thanks for your time
-john
Hoju1959@gmail.com
John, Shoot me an email at lauraandreasen@hotmail.com and we can exchange info.
Delete:)
Laura