Why My Perfect Man is a Circus Peanut

It seems like everything these days is all doom and gloom, death and destruction.  Life can get pretty depressing, and I'm here to lighten it up for a moment or two.  Lighten it up with the talk of my true love.  The love I've had since I was born.  The passionate, all encompassing love... of candy.

I know you, dear reader, are shaking your head over my claims to have loved candy from the moment of birth.  I say to you, not ONLY did I love it from birth, but from the womb.  Because, like me, my mom has a bit of, nay, a GINORMOUS sweet tooth.  This is why, when I claim to have loved candy before I understood love, I tell the truth.

As always, I must put in the obnoxious but necessary disclaimer that I love my husband and my children.... blah blah blah... etc....  but really, in those special moments, I may love candy just a little bit more.

Most people who know me know that I have "a problem".  They also know that I embrace my problem like a lover.  My problem is also my solution.  My candy is my true love.

Nah bro, you're taking up valuable candy real estate.  Shove off and leave me and the candy alone.  We need to "get to know each other".... wink wink.  ;)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I'm a kidnappers dream come true....^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When friends come over to my home, they often comment on how many candy dishes I have out.  I've finally begun to realize that having 5 candy dishes may be just a tad bit strange.  But to me, it is love.  It is how I show you that my home is your home.  By allowing my candy to be your candy. See?!  If, by chance, you are not a candy person, I will still like you, but you will probably not be welcomed into my tribe.

Before my taste-buds matured and began to appreciate the finer delicacies like cookies and cakes and pies, good ole candy was my friend.  My compadre.  My family.  It made me feel happy.  It looked happy.  Heck, it tasted like happy.  I started out with a simple love of chocolate.  Hershey's bars and Rolos, Milky Ways and 3 Musketeers.  All so delightfully chocolatey.

Eventually, I moved on to the more complex forms of candy, such as Circus Peanuts, Bunny Basket Eggs, and Valentine Conversation Hearts.  Yes, I hear you mocking my favorites.  "Ewww," you say.  "How can you eat that?  It is pure sugar!"  And your point is??

Candy, my friends, never lets you down.  I know some of you may be health-nuts who claim candy will let you down.  It will make you fat and give you cavities.  I say it is just proving once and for all that it loves you.  It will NEVER leave your side.  Or butt.  Or thighs.  The love is so strong you are literally BECOMING ONE with candy.  Is there a stronger bond?  I say no.  A million times no!

Candy is the ultimate companion.  I can do all my hobbies with candy.  We bathe together, read together, watch Netflix in binges together, knit together.... that's about it really... (come on now, did you really think a person who loves candy as much as I do has a hobby of rock climbing or weight lifting?)  We spend all our most precious moments together.  Often, I wake up in a puddle of sugar-laced drool after a candy induced nap, and I KNOW more than I know anything, that life is beautiful.

Yep, me and Candy have a beautiful thing.  Our love goes beyond what I have with the average mortal.  It is the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing on my breath at night.  It is the "badonka" to my "donk", and the Kermit to my Miss Piggy.  If anyone EVER, and I mean EVER.... gets between me and my candy, I will find them, and I will kill them.  I have that "particular set of skills".  And hey, if homicidal rage over candy means I've got a problem, then I've got a problem.  But I think we've already established that.  Happy Eating!