The Unspoken "Mormon Code"

I have always been taught not to share "past transgressions".  In the mission field, there was a saying, "No PTs."  I always hated that saying, and hated the concept even more.

Recently, after deciding I was going to share a very personal and painful experience, I decided to see if there was any doctrine behind this well accepted aspect of "Mormon culture".

There isn't. 

What is it about our culture that convinces us to sweep our pain under the rug?  I believe we have a culture of shame.  I hope to try and stop this; even if it is in just one person.  Me.

Several Sundays ago, a wonderful recent convert began to ask an innocent question in our Gospel Principles class.  Our discussion was on repentance.  She began to talk earnestly about a few things she had done, wondering if she had really been washed clean in baptism.  Before she could get more than a few words of her past sins out, she was interrupted by another woman in the class, telling her she shouldn't tell us what she had done.  I was hurt for this convert.  I believe she was hurt too.  And confused.  What had she done wrong?  Had she broken some unspoken "Mormon Code" that states, "Thou Shalt Not Ever Admit To Having Sinned"?  

I suppose there are several schools of thought on this issue.  I believe many members believe that if your sins have been washed away, there is no reason to speak of them.  Perhaps they also, unconsciously or not, believe that to speak of your past sins is to cheapen the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  Or maybe they believe that it is no one's business.  There have been talks on "airing our dirty laundry".  Whatever the reasons, I wholeheartedly disagree.  In fact, I'm sick and tired of this attitude.

I'm not saying I want to have a testimony meeting that is all "I did this, and I did that."  I AM saying, however, that there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with bearing a testimony of the Atonement of Christ, and the spiritual lessons you've learned through your struggles.  If you question if you should share a story, just inquire of yourself your motivation.  Is it to uplift and edify?  If so, share away!

Quite frankly, if you want to tell the world you murdered someone, you should be able to.  Part of our Church's PR troubles consist of people feeling that they are being silenced, unallowed to share feelings that others may not like.  Being a part of a religion like this makes us struggle more than we need to.  We feel we can never measure up to our standard of perfection.  How did we get this way?

Our church was not always this way.  Open the scriptures to any beautiful story of redemption, and you will read of prophets and apostles tell of the great sins they committed, and the way back to Christ.  I believe these stories are in our scriptures for a reason.  They are meant to show us that no matter the sin, no matter the pain and trial, there is a way back.  It has been done before!  They may not spell every detail out, but they don't need to.  They show us that yes, they sinned in very real, very human ways. If I may be so bold, I personally feel that by sweeping our repentance under the rug, we are cheapening the Atonement.  The greatest growth we experience in life is the growth of overcoming sin through our Savior. 

I am in no way suggesting that people share aspects of their past that they do not wish to share.  I am merely saying that I am blessed by those who are strong enough to share their trials with me, without shame.

I feel sad for our Church.  I want us to be able to help lift each other, and truly carrying each others burdens; as we promised to do at baptism.  How can we do this when there is so much shame in admitting our sins?  There is HEALTHY guilt, the stirrings of the light of Christ that tell us we need to change, and there is UNHEALTHY shame.  This shame tells us we are worthless, and unworthy of happiness.  I'm done with shame.  The Church should be too.  

I believe we are on the cusp of something exciting in the Church.  I have felt a shift in the paradigm of the members.  I feel we are leaving this harmful culture (one that is NOT spoken of in the gospel of Christ) and creating one that is more open, more loving, and something to be proud of.  We forgive more easily, but do not forget our redemption; nor our Redeemer.  I believe our Heavenly Father smiles down on us when we are willing to love unconditionally.  This is my hope for the future of the Church.

• Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow:Isa. 1:16–18;
• This is my blood, which is shed for many for the remission of sins:Matt. 26:28; ( Heb. 9:22–28; D&C 27:2; )
• Repent, and be baptized for the remission of sins:Acts 2:38; ( Luke 3:3; D&C 107:20; )
• Those who believe in Jesus shall receive remission of sins:Acts 10:43; ( Mosiah 3:13; )
• Christ is the source to whom they may look for a remission of sins:2 Ne. 25:26;
• To retain a remission of our sins, we must care for the poor and needy:Mosiah 4:11–12, 26;
• Whosoever repenteth shall have claim on mercy, unto a remission of his sins:Alma 12:34;
• Fulfilling the commandments bringeth remission of sins:Moro. 8:25;
• The Aaronic Priesthood holds the keys of baptism by immersion for the remission of sins:D&C 13:1; ( D&C 84:64, 74; A of F 1:4; )
• I, the Lord, remember their sins no more:D&C 58:42–43; ( Ezek. 18:21–22; )
• These were taught vicarious baptism for the remission of sins:D&C 138:33;

 

He Carefully Leads Them

Is there something, some sin, that you would NEVER EVER do?  Do you find the idea of some action so repulsive, so unbelievable, that you just KNOW you wouldn't do? 

I do too.

But I did it.

If I had to make a list of the sins in order of ones I'd be likely to commit, the one I am guilty of would be last.  I could see myself committing murder before this one.  What is it?  ADULTERY.   Perhaps one of the cruelest of all the "Thou Shalt Nots". 

And yet.......

I have been absolutely and irrevocably humbled by this experience.  Not only was I attended to by warning angels, but also by legions of Satan's followers.  And I continue to be. 

Here is how it happened.

"So what does your church believe?  Do the Polygamists sit on one side of the church and the non-polygamists on the other?"

This was the innocent question asked by the dad of one of my son's friends (we'll call him Joe*)  as we sat at the pool one summer day.  Even though the question made me smile, I was DELIGHTED that I had an opportunity to talk "gospel" to this man.  I had been praying for opportunities to make a difference in the world; this must be an answer to my prayers!

I spent nearly two hours that afternoon essentially giving the missionary discussions to this man.  I hadn't had such strong missionary feelings since my mission.  Yep, I am a returned missionary.  One that was married in the temple, and one that made covenants with God that I took seriously.

That night as I knelt and prayed, I thanked my Heavenly Father for the opportunity given me to share what I knew to be true.  I was filled with the spirit.  I had a VERY strong impression to send the missionaries to their home.  Joe had mentioned he was interested in religion and always enjoyed learning more.

The next afternoon I ran into the Elders at a local store.  It was fate!  I eagerly told them about this family.  How I had talked to both the Mom and Dad for a few hours about the church.  They had three beautiful kids and were interested in religion.  I gave them their address.

On Sunday, the Elders told me they were turned away with a rude, "What makes you think I would let you in my house?"

I was devastated.  Was my inspiration not inspiration after all?  Had I done something wrong?  I apologized to the missionaries and decided to just be friendly and open with these neighbors of mine. 

Soon I began receiving texts from Joe.  Innocent and friendly, asking if my kids and I would like to come to the pool, or who my son got for his teacher that fall.  I responded, innocent and friendly, always the missionary and kind neighbor.  I would eventually show him how great our church was.

After a couple months, I noticed those texts becoming more uncomfortable to me.  Was I being paranoid, or was he flirting?  I was, after all, a somewhat naive Mormon gal who only had one relationship, and I turned that relationship into a marriage.  So I wasn't sure if I was merely taking a normal conversation and making it into something sinister.

Somewhere along the way, my prayers started slipping.  My daily studies and efforts began to be weekly, then monthly.  Then never.  And he carefully led me down.

I flirted back.  I chose not to think of his family, or mine.  It felt great to ignore my seemingly terrible marriage and concentrate only on the never ending flattery that came from this "other man".  I began to think that I deserved to be "happy".  I'd been miserable for so long in my marriage and it was high time I had a little fun.

I will, however, never forget the first time I allowed Joe into my home.  There was almost a buzz in the air before he arrived, which lingered the entire time he was there.  It was not a buzz of excitement, but one of warning.  I felt both then and now it was the spirit and my angels begging and pleading with me to not make that choice.

I did not sleep with him then.  But I did only a few days later.

I continued this affair for several months.  It was degrading.  It was obvious he didn't care about ME, but only my BODY.  There was no pretended affection for me, though I was developing quite a bit for him.  I wanted to leave my marriage, knowing that Joe would never want a real relationship with me.  I told myself what we had was enough for me.

And he carefully led me down.

I stopped attending church all together.  Eventually I told the bishop I wanted to be excommunicated.  I told my husband I thought we should divorce, and I told him I cheated on him.  He agreed.  I began to lose patience with my children.  I didn't want to spend time with them.  Only with Joe.  I spent hours texting him inappropriate comments and pictures.   I lost a lot of the qualities I admired in myself.  And I didn't care.

My bishop was of course concerned about my sudden desire to leave the church.  Why would a strong, life long member suddenly want out?  I met with him, and told him of my affair.  I handed him my temple recommend, and told him I didn't want to meet with the disciplinary council.  "Just excommunicate me,"  I said.  My heart was hard.

Something happened that changed my mind.  I can't say that I know for sure what it was.  I only know that finally, my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ could not be denied any longer.  And I began to make my way back.  During this time I had several sacred experiences to help build my flailing testimony.  Those were faith building and testimony affirming.  And they are available to all. 

I attempted to end things with Joe.  I met with the bishop.  I met with a disciplinary counsel.  I felt humiliated, alone, and spiritually dead.  I wondered why I bothered.  I still received numerous sexual invitations from Joe.  And though I knew that ending things and repenting was the RIGHT thing to do, it was not, and is not,  the EASY thing to do. 

I wish I could say that I am back in full fellowship in the church.  I am not.  I wish I could say that having an affair is no longer a temptation for me.  I can not.

Here is what I can say:

I am a child of God.  He loves me.  He loves you.  He, along with Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost, understand us better than we understand ourselves.  He sees our efforts to be better.  He mourns when we mourn, and provides us a glimmer of hope when we need it.  I love Him.  Though I willingly chose to forsake Him, He would NEVER do that to me. 

Satan also knows us better than we know ourselves.  He hates us.  He wants to bring us down to join with him in his misery.  He will bide his time, weave his web, and capture us.  When we say, "I would NEVER do that!" he laughs.  When we leave ourselves open, he enters, whether we know it or not.  And when we mourn, he rejoices.

An ancient American prophet, envisioning our day and observing what is going on, prophesied that if Satan is not checked, he will bring this generation to destruction. Addressing himself to our present situation, Nephi said:

“… the kingdom of the devil must shake, and they which belong to it must needs be stirred up unto repentance, or the devil will grasp them with his everlasting chains, and they be stirred up to anger, and perish;

“For behold, at that day [that’s today] shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good.

“And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.

“And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.” (2 Ne. 28:19–22.)

One day, I hope to be better than I once was.  I never desired to be a cautionary tale, and yet I desire for you to make the most of this tragedy.  I end with these hopeful words from Isaiah and my testimony in the Atonement of Jesus Christ:

“Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows. …

“… He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” 

^{Isaiah 53:4-5}

I Don't Like Your Kids.... And Other Things I Am Afraid to Admit

"It is not that I HATE children...."

"Kids are okay and all....."

"I love my children dearly, but...." 

These are all qualifiers I have put before statements I've made regarding my discomfort around children.  

Here is the truth.  I don't like kids.  

And..... Que the screaming, horrified ladies in the Relief Society. 

Don't get me wrong.  I don't HATE children.  I won't swerve to hit them in the streets, or laugh when they get hurt.  (uh.... okay I laugh occasionally)  After all, I do have two of them.  It would be irresponsible to have children that I actively hate.  I love my children.  I love yours too; in the sense that I love all living creatures, but I do not like your children.  

Quit judging me baby! 

I've never been a woman who wanted children, or was all that nurturing by nature.  I have a lot of love to give, but when you put other people's children in the mix, I stand there looking like I've got a serious case of the Screaming Mimi's I'm trying to hold in.  (For you non-southerners, Screaming Mimi's is a HILARIOUS term I learned referring to.... diarrhea.  Feel free to use it in your day to day life and watch as people are charmed by your southern slang). 

My face, around your children ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You see, not all of us Mormon Moms, (or Mormoms as I like to refer to those special ladies who can do no Mommy wrong) are all that good at working with kids.  And yet, we feel obligated to pretend we LOVE LOVE LOVE and ADORE all children.  Primary is such a WONDERFUL calling and Nursery isn't our own version of Hell.  We suffer in silence, trying our best to acclimate to Mormon Culture.   We don't feel it is okay to say we don't like to work with kids, because we are SUPPOSED to get teary eyed as we recall the many special spiritual experiences we've had wiping butts and watching kids eat their boogers while we make futile attempts to keep them quiet during sharing time.  

You think it is charming, I think it is nasty as Hell. 

Why is it that we admit we all have special talents and abilities, and yet no one wants to admit that they aren't all that great with kids?  We are made to feel guilty for not wanting to be stuck around a bunch of kids we don't like for three hours.  People make assumptions that we HATE children, when merely it is that we just prefer to be around big humans.  We are also looked at like we must be terrible parents since we don't like children.  So let me be clear.  

"I LOVE MY CHILDREN.  I JUST DON'T LIKE YOURS."  

Nothing personal my friend.  I dislike all people's children just the same.  

So here I am, taking a stand for Mormon Women everywhere of the same mindset as myself.  Don't be afraid to admit you aren't all that fond of little Jimmy and Jane.  Most likely, you will find other ladies out there who are struggling with those same feelings.  

We are all here on this earth to become refined.  We are not sent to earth as perfect beings.  Some people seem more prone to be fabulous with children, and others more prone to be fabulous with adults.  Some can even do both!  Imagine that!!  But ALL of us are working on our weaknesses.  Liking children just happens to be one of mine.  I'm not ashamed, and I don't beat myself up about it, but I do want to improve.

I read an article in Cosmo Magazine not long ago titled, "Why So Many Women Hate Babies".  http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/news/a31876/why-so-many-women-hate-babies/

Originally I thought I would relate to these women.  Instead, I was disappointed that they portrayed such a selfish and brittle group of women.  Not like me or the other wonderful ladies out there who I know are trying to love children more perfectly.  Alas, there are women like that out there.  But the majority of Mormon women I know are not like that.  And we don't want to be.  So have a little faith in us!

In a nutshell, don't judge me because your children are awful.  JUST KIDDING WITH YOU!  But really, I don't like them.  Yet. 

The Skinny on Being Skinny

"Wow Laura you look great!" 

This is what I heard over and over, after 7 months of obsessive exercise and dieting.  I had lost 50 pounds.  I was the lowest weight I had been in years.  I was only 19.  And guess what?  I really wasn't skinny.  I was average.  But at least I wasn't "fat!"  Right? 

I mean, isn't that the worst possible thing a woman can be?  You can be stupid, you can have a crooked nose or tons of acne, but you can not be FAT!!! 

When I heard all those compliments, I was happy they noticed all my hard work, but mostly, I was irritated.  Was I somehow more of a person than I was before?  Was I better, funnier, more worth while?  Was the universe finally approving of me because I took up less space? 

It pissed me off.  I think I'm a damn fine person.  Fat or not. 

I have not always felt this way.  Growing up years were tough.  I was constantly trying to lose weight.  I struggled with serious depression and anxiety. I wanted that perfect body because I desperately wanted someone to love me.  I knew that no one would love me if I was fat.  No one. 

When I was 19 I had a medical problem that was diagnosed.  I began obsessively counting calories and exercising.  I went to school and worked as a nanny, and hardly ever ate.  I told myself the calories weren't worth it.  I was becoming anorexic. 

I cheered every pound I lost.  I thought about food and losing weight all day long.  It never left my mind.  I was miserable.  Because I couldn't have a life.  I couldn't afford to let go, eat something I loved, or think about anything that would get me off track of losing weight.  I couldn't let myself be fat!  No one would ever love me if I did! 

One day I was at the gym, had just worked out for hours, and sat down to eat my one of three apples I allowed myself to eat each day.  And I mean I only ate three apples a day.  I was scarfing it down like a starving person, because I was one.  Finally it dawned on me.  I had a problem.  I wasn't fun anymore.  I liked myself even less than I did when I was "fat".  I was becoming crazy.  I needed to let this obsession go. 

So I did.  I kept exercising, but only when my pants became too tight.  I got rid of my scale.  From that point on, I went with how I FELT, not how I looked.  I was happier, more fun, and yes, heavier.  And I learned to love myself, no matter what size. 

What's the point of all this, you may wonder.  Well, it is that being skinny isn't the be all end all.  It is being YOU.  Whether your body is fat or thin, it doesn't matter as long as you LOVE you.

Most people would agree that the following ladies are somewhat unattractive:

But most of us want to look like these ones:

Isn't it the same thing, really?  Trying to be someone else?  Something else?  Instead of just being the best YOU can be? 

I don't mean being as skinny as YOU can be.  I mean being the BEST you can be.  Being as smart, as funny, as kind as you can.  Being healthy, happy, and full of life.  This is the BEST you can be.  The size of your waist is not. 


I have ALWAYS hated the following saying:

Be HONEST!

Because when you are constantly worrying about being "skinny", you are not allowing yourselves the simple joy of just being ALIVE. 

Most women agree that they want their daughters to have healthy self esteems.  Most of these same women are constantly criticizing their bodies, talking about how fat they are for all to hear.  And you think your daughter will have a healthy body image listening to that?  PLEASE. 

This picture is more horrifying than a number of possibilities.  I will NEVER let my daughter hear negative things about anyone's body come from my mouth.  I have NEVER once talked badly about my body in front of my children, or anyone.  My body is my body.  It is the way it is.  Hers is the way it is.  Both are beautiful, wonderful, and made by God.  Sometimes my children ask me why I'm fat.  You know what?  It doesn't bother me at all.  I say to them, "I think I look good.  This is how my body looks now.  Aren't bodies wonderful?"  And guess what else?  They accept that!  And so do I.  I also explain to them that talking about other people's bodies is not okay.  It is not their business. 

Here is my advice to all women.  You can be healthy, happy, and worthwhile if you are not skinny.  You can be loved, cherished, and comforted if you are not thin.  You can have all of these things from YOU.  You don't need to be skinny to find the love of your life.  YOU are the love of your life. 

I finally did get married.  I cried many tears over comments on my body by my husband, my parents, my friends, etc.  I never did find that love and acceptance from any of those people.  I found it in ME. 

I have a wonderful painting I keep in a private place.  I bought it at a low point in my life.  It says, "She discovered she was the hero she was waiting for."  YOU are the hero you've been searching for.  YOU have the power to lift you up, feel good about yourself, and be everything you ever wanted to be.  YOU are your own hero.  I love love love that.  When I feel ugly because of something that is said to me, I brush it off.  I don't give it another thought.  Because I am more than the sum of my physical attributes.  So are you.

God loves you JUST as you are.  If you keep an eternal perspective on this, you'll find that your body is more celestial than you think it is.  Your body is magnificent.  I hope you'll realize that before you have a horrible disease, illness, or injury force you to.  I have had a terrible injury.  One that effects my life every step I take.  Every moment.  It effects my exercise and my overall health.  But I am thankful for my body, as imperfect as it is. 

Some day, we will look back on our time here on earth, and be saddened when we realize how much time and energy we wasted on hating our body.  Time we could have been living, loving, and serving others.  There is a reason that those cast out of heaven are desperate for a body, any body.  We have something so wonderful and God-like at our beck and call.  Do we treat it with the respect it deserves? 

My greatest wish for each woman is for them to start worrying less on how they look, and start worrying more about loving themselves.  And I hope that each one of you will look at your reflection with the love it deserves.
 

"Mormon Thinking"

"I'm not superstitious, but..."

This is how a gal at church started a conversation the other day.  She continued to talk about how she believes that some things, like lightning hitting a house for sale, may not mean anything; but she wouldn't buy that home. 

She ended by asking, "Does that make me superstitious?"

 I responded,  "No, that makes you Mormon." 

As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we can't help but be a little superstitious. 

We may not believe that it is "bad luck" to walk under a ladder, see a black cat, and so forth, but we would wonder (whether we voiced it or not) why lightning struck that house.  Was it a message from God?  Did the previous owners practice Satanism?  Or perhaps God just doesn't want us to live there; He wants to guide us to another home, another neighborhood, to fulfill our path in life. 

Be honest.  You've thought things like this before, haven't you.  We all have.  It is part of our Mormon DNA.  Part of what we've been taught.  We are flooded with testimonies of "Everything happens for a reason" and "God can bring about his work through trials."  We believe in signs of the times, in evil forces, and that Satan is in charge of water.  (Here's a little background into that little diddy). 

(  D&C 61 (Preface) says: "Revelation given through Joseph Smith he Prophet, on the bank of the Missouri River, McIlwaine's Bend, August 12, 1831. On their return trip to Kirtland the Prophet and ten elders had traveled down the Missouri River in canoes. On the third day of the journey many dangers were experienced. Elder W.W. Phelps, in daylight vision saw "the destroyer riding in power upon the face of the waters."

Then later in verses 14-16: "Behold, I, the Lord, in the beginning blessed the waters; but in the last days, by the mouth of my servant John, I cursed the waters.

"Wherefore, the days will come that no flesh shall be safe upon the waters.

"And it shall be said in days to come that none is able to go up to the land of Zion upon the waters, but he that is upright in heart."    )

I certainly don't make light of many of these things, because I believe a lot of them myself.  But sometimes we lose ourselves in the murky waters  (no pun intended) of what is God's voice, and what is our strangely wired "Mormon Thinking." 

I believe that some things are meant to be.  I also believe that God can bring great and wonderful things out of trials and tragedy.  But I do not believe that we need to find a deeper, more significant meaning to everything we see.  Sometimes, lightning is just lightning.  And God lets it be.  Other times, things happen to us that make us take notice of ourselves, to refocus and recharge, and to become better.  The difference in those two situations is the presence and guidance of the Holy Ghost.  If you see a bolt of lightening, know you are doing good in life, and feel nothing prompting you otherwise, by jove move into that house!  If you feel a prompting about that home, telling you it is not right, then it probably isn't.  The trick is to LISTEN to what God has to say, not to PLANT superstitious ideas into your own head.  After all, God's ways are not our ways. 

He is not always telling you what you think He is though.... 

Feelings of self-doubt and sadness are not always because of sin.  When they are, you know it.  When they aren't, you need to let them go.  Listen.  Take a moment.  Are you becoming better from those feelings?  Or are they just dragging you down?  Either start repentance, or stop with those feelings.  They aren't healthy.  They aren't for a greater cause.  God wants you to be happy.  So repent, or start loving yourself and thinking positive, HEALTHY thoughts.  

"The Lord’s thoughts and ways are higher than the thoughts and ways that come from men.  The Lord said to man: “… my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, … for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isa. 55:8–9.)  God’s way was to create man, male and female, in his own image and likeness.  Man’s way is that man came from a lower form of life. God’s way justifies self-respect.  God’s way provides man a divine way of life. The Lord promised his children salvation in the kingdom of God if they would live and follow his ways. It is important to know that man can become godlike through the thoughts and ways of the Lord."  Bernard P. Brockbank

What God must be thinking constantly!

It is okay to be a Mormon Thinker.  We aren't all that dumb, just a little jumpy and introspective.  So listen to the Spirit.  It will tell you whether that lightening is worthy of panic. And the next time you see a black cat in your path?  Pick it up and give it a cuddle, 'cause my guess is God wants you to.  ;) 

Abuse and the Mormon Woman: The Bigger Fool Am I

Every night I go to sleep next to a man I loathe. I try not to hate him, I really do.  Most of the time I can convince myself he is a good person; he has potential, and that the abuse will stop.  And then it happens again. 

I wasn't always this weak.  I worked as a victim advocate for a police department.  I told woman after woman that there is no excuse for abuse.  LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE!!  I took the training, looked at the horrible things that happened to other women, and vowed I would NEVER let that happen to me.

It sneaks up on you.  It doesn't present itself on the first date, even the first 15.  Often abuse comes out of nowhere, but if you look back, you see that perhaps your besotted self missed something obvious to other people.  But it can trick them too.  They can look at your abuser and see a great person, friendly, charming, and wonderful.  But they can't see.  And most of us won't ever let them.

Mormon women are an anomaly in a lot of ways.  We are faithful to a fault.  We are told to not air our dirty laundry, to work harder in our marriage, and that if we pray enough, attend the temple enough, or meet with our church leaders enough, we can save our marriage.  While is isn't always implied that we are at fault, we are often looked at in a negative light if we are the ones to file for divorce and to "abandon" our families.

Many of us will go to bed each night and put on a happy face for the kids.  We will have been shoved into a wall one minute, sworn at the next, then have to suck it up and put our kids to bed.  We hope they don't see what is happening, but when we are honest, we know they do.  And our hearts are broken.

But what can we do?  Many of us choose to stay at home with our children.  We want to be there with them to help them through this difficult life.  We want to spend as much time with them as we can.  But this decision feels dangerous once you are at the mercy of your husband for money, affection, and a home.  Without him, you have nothing. No resources, no prospects, no hope.  How can you raise children while living in your car, with no money for gas, no computer to find a job, and no food?  So you stay.  And you die.  Every day you die.  But you hold it together like a good Mormon Woman should.

"Marriage is ordained of God, and we must do everything we can to strengthen the ties that bind, to strengthen our homes, and to prepare ourselves by exemplary living to teach our children the ways of God, which is the only way for them to find happiness here and eternal life hereafter.

As we enumerate the many important responsibilities a woman has in connection with her duties as a wife, a mother, a homemaker, a sister, a sweetheart, or a good neighbor, it should be evident that these challenging responsibilities can satisfy her need to express her talents, her interests, her creativity, dedication, energy, and skill which so many seek to satisfy outside the home. It is impossible to estimate the lasting influence for good a woman can have in any of these roles. Let me remind us all of her primary responsibilities."

N. Eldon Tanner

Easy, right?

I am not a perfect Mormon woman.  I sure try though.  I try to go to church, follow the prophet, and help others in need.  I try to love my husband.  God knows I try.  It is hard.  I feel alone, and often miserably unhappy.  But I keep plugging along.  I know that Jesus was long-suffering, patient, and kind.  This is how we are supposed to be in our marriages.  We put up with the junk in this life for a bigger reward in the life to come.  Isn't that what we are aiming for?  Isn't that worth putting up with the abuse?  Or are we just allowing ourselves to be treated this way because we think it is penance for past sins?

For me, it is all of the above.

I wasn't the perfect girl before I was married.  I made serious errors in judgement.  Sometimes I think that those errors cursed my marriage, and therefore I can not be happy because I made those decisions.  Even though I met with my Bishop, repented, and moved on, I still can't fully believe my marriage isn't cursed.  Perhaps all this is my doing, and I just need to tough it out. I can't be a good Mormon and actively seek a divorce from my husband, can I?  I'm am desperately trying to follow the wise cousin of my beloved Gordon B. Hinckley. 

"If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard. Accusations would never be leveled. Angry explosions would not occur. Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness."  
President Gordon B. Hinckley

I try so desperately to ensure the comfort and happiness of my husband.  I am never violent of him.  I compliment him, write him love notes (even when I'm not sure I feel it), make his meals and keep his home and children taken care of.  No matter how many hints I drop, pleads for change, or tears I cry, it is only myself that is trying to save this marriage.  Even though I desperately hate it.  And what am I to do with the counsel from Elder Richard G. Scott?

"Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it. Their acts may cause pain, anguish, even physical harm, but they cannot destroy your eternal possibilities in this brief but crucial life on earth. You must understand that you are free to determine to overcome the harmful results of abuse. Your attitude can control the change for good in your life. It allows you to have the help the Lord intends you to receive. No one can take away your ultimate opportunities when you understand and live eternal law. The laws of your Heavenly Father and the atonement of the Lord have made it possible that you will not be robbed of the opportunities which come to the children of God."

How do I respond to that?  I have no resources.  How can I make a change for good?  Or are my eternal possibilities based on how I tough this out?  Do I leave him, or do I keep this "Eternal Family" whole?  Because he is breaking covenants, is this marriage even valid?  Is there any point in staying?   I feel lost for revelation.  Are my prayers not being answered because I am meant to stay with him?  Or is it because I need to make a decision first?  Do I just need to "decide to be happy?"  Is that even possible?

Perhaps you have advice for me.  Perhaps it is like the advice I used to offer those other women.  And perhaps I should take it.  But for now, I will lie in bed and suck it up.  Because that is what I was taught to do.  And if nothing else, I was taught to be a good Mormon Woman.  Therefore, the bigger fool am I. 

*THE AUTHOR HAS ASKED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS. 

Why not just be? Why Mormon women should stop with the labels.

I recently read an article written by one of the thousands of "Mommy bloggers" out there about how she is a "Mormon misfit."  And I was left scratching my head wondering, yeah, who isn't? 

So why do we all try to either stand out or fit in?  Aren't they one in the same?  Why not just BE?

I've felt the same as many of you self proclaimed misfits.  I've felt like I didn't belong, couldn't relate, and wasn't in the same boat or even on the same planet as "other Mormon women".  Until I realized, not only are we all "those other Mormon women", but  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  Yep, that is right.  It doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter if I have zero children or 15.  It doesn't matter if I have tattoos, strange hair, or a super "Mormon mommy" style.  It doesn't matter unless I want it to.  And I don't.

If you feel out of place at church, or among other members of the LDS faith, you need to do some soul searching.  Is it really that you are a "misfit", or is it that you are making yourself feel like one?  Do you really think that others are judging you for not being perfect, or is it that others are wondering if you are judging them?  Take a step back, and a longer, harder look.  Most likely you'll find that everyone feels like that sometime in their lives.  If you are a "Mormon misfit", then so is everyone else in the church.  There are no "misfits", only a collection of individuals who are flawed, and for the most part, doing their best to become better.

We see ourselves as a tiny dot that stands out in a crowd, so obviously different. 

 Sometimes we feel like our differences are embarrassing, and make us somehow less of a good Mormon; less of a person.

But just like we need a toilet amongst a mid of other chairs, we need a whole bunch of different personalities, skills, and styles to make the world go round, and our church to become the best it can be. 

We are all different, and we NEED the diversity in the church.  The members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints need to work harder at dropping the labels of "good Mormon" and "Mormon misfit" and starting just being yourself.  I want to attend a church where I see all sorts of characters.  Short, tall, fat, thin.  People with talents in music, and people with talents in photography.  People who are amazing at teaching little children, and people who are terrible with children but are trying to be better.  After all, I am one of those.... and heck (yes I said heck) I have two children of my own!  Isn't that what this life is about?  Trying to be better?  Trying to learn and improve and someday, maybe, if we work really hard, become perfect? 

No one is perfect in this life.  We all make mistakes, worry about others judging us, and worry that we don't fit in.  But we don't need to.  We can just accept that we aren't perfect, we aren't ever going to be like everyone else, and CELEBRATE the differences.  Celebrating is FUN!  And being a group of people who have different talents and abilities is fun.  Being with people who can teach life lessons from their experiences is not only fun, but good for all of us. Imagine how missionary work would ADVANCE if people weren't afraid to come to a church that had only ONE TYPE OF ACCEPTABLE PERSON??  We teach that God loves us all, as we are.  He loves and accepts everyone.  We should too.  People would flock to the church if they knew they'd be accepted and loved and CELEBRATED.  So what are we waiting for??? 

Honesty time!  I'm not perfect at this.  I have those moments where I feel like I'm inadequate.  I'm not great at a lot of things other gals in my ward are.  But I've learned to just be okay with that.  It is so freeing to say to someone, "I'm terrible at sewing, crafts, singing, (insert your weakness here)".  From there, you can either try to improve in those areas, or just let it go.  After all, there are some things that many LDS women love that I don't care at all about.  I'm sure the same goes for you.  You just have to be okay with it, and life will be AMAZING!  Trust me.  There is freedom in letting yourself JUST BE. 

Be a little better.  Develop in yourself the qualities you want to have.  Your best is YOUR best.  Who cares if it is not Jane's best, or Sara's best?  It is YOUR best.  Own it.  Own you.  Take a deep breath, and JUST BE.